THE BIZARRE WORLD OF FREE STUFF
Adrian Chamberlain dons his gloves and delves into the mysterious world of free stuff
I’m continually amazed by the stuff people give away in the “free” sections of buy-and-sell sites. Some of these notices are weirdly fascinating. It’s like a leftfield commentary on the trials and tribulations of modern life.
For instance, one said: “Free colander. Plastic. Must pick up.”
Who on earth would advertise such a thing? Surely in the normal course of affairs, offers of free colanders are orally transmitted (e.g. “Do you want this colander?” “No, I certainly do not.” “OK, no need to be snippy.”).
Then again, perhaps the colander person is lonely and hopes to meet exciting new people. But have they taken into account the sort of respondent who actually gets into a car to pick up a free plastic colander?
There’s also a free bachelorette party headband on offer. It’s pink and has two ears in the shape of hearts that say “Bride to be.” The ad says: “New owner pick up” (if you’re getting free stuff, you usually have to pick it up).
Intrigued, I requested the back story. A nice woman called Jennifer replied: “It was actually mine at my bridal shower and I am quite happily enjoying being married. It isn’t something I feel I need to hold onto, however, as I have photos of me wearing it, so I will keep those for my memories and pass along the good luck to another bride-to-be.”
This is super heartwarming. However, many of the other free items are technically garbage. The furniture is ripped, the mattresses stained. And there’s always a bumper crop of barbecues in various states of disrepair.
One person offered area rugs that are “free under the tree.” I’m assuming this is a tree in their yard. The rugs are “well worn” and need “a bit of cleaning” but are still “serviceable” (although by now perhaps rather damp).
Someone else advertised a queen-size box and mattress that are just two years old. Sadly, there are “cat stains” on the bed. But “with a mattress cover, it won’t be a problem — that’s how I used it.” Wow. If I’d regularly slumbered on a mattress stained with pet urine, I’d keep it a deep, dark secret.
Other free notices are a little creepy. There is, for example, a “freezer and contents.” Apparently, the contents are outdated fish and meat. The owner suggests this offal can be used as pet food or “great crab bait.” I question the wisdom of this.
There’s a rich cornucopia of hens and roosters on offer. The people posting these notices seem like chatty, humorous folk. One is giving away a Cuckoo Marans rooster. Apparently, this is a very brave bird.
“[He’s] on top of his job of watching out for hens and risking his life for them. He has kept them safe from eagles, ravens and raccoons this year,” writes the owner. “He has killer instincts and his name is Bruce. I would be sad to see him go into the pot.”
I imagine if one gives an animal a name, it’s hard to eat him. And if one does, such meals are bound to be dismal affairs.
“How does Bruce taste?”
“Oh pretty good. Boy, he was one brave rooster.”
“Brave indeed. Remember how Bruce thwarted all those eagle, raven and raccoon attacks?”
“Yes. Can you pass the hot sauce?”
Another ad painted an entire lifestyle in a few sentences. Someone found an iPhone downtown in the wee hours.
“You must have had a rough night,” writes the finder, “as there was puke in the near radius of the phone.”
It said the midnight rambler can get the phone back if he or she describes it. Hey, wouldn’t it be great if the phone finder and the phone loser started dating, and even got married? What a romantic tale to tell their grandchildren.
My favourite is this one: “Hi. Tired to have those bags of pennies hanging around? We will take them away from you!”
So in other words, this helpful citizen will relieve you of that pesky money taking up valuable space in your house.
What a telling commentary on modern life. But fun to read.
Next week: Does anyone want my rusty barbecue slightly soiled by my pug dog? It’s free. You pick up.