Time to build that backyard bunker
Not long ago, U.S. President Donald Trump posted a tweet accusing two other politicians of “looking to start World War III.” Like a triple-forte bump in the middle of the night, his tweets are always disconcerting. Yet this one struck me as more ominous than usual. You never want to see the words “World War III” and “Donald Trump” in the same message.
You probably know what I’m leading up to. Yes, folks, it’s time to build our survival bunkers.
Sound paranoid? It’s not. Survivalism is big in the United States right now. The New Yorker magazine just published the article Doomsday Prep for the Super-Rich. It’s about the lengths affluent survivalists are taking in preparation for the day Trump flings down his hair hat, yells “winning!” and punches the big red button.
One survivalist, the head of an investment firm, is quoted in the article as saying: “I keep a helicopter gassed up all the time, and I have an underground bunker with an air-filtration system.” Another stressed the importance of forming local militias in order to “ride out the apocalypse.” The same guy purchased five acres on a remote island, as well as generators, solar panels and thousands of rounds of ammunition.
The bible for the survivalist gang is by American survivalist guru James Wesley Rawles. It’s called How to Survive the End of the World as We Know It: Tactics, Techniques and Technologies for Uncertain Times.
Rawles provides sage advice on how to survive looting, armed violence and food shortages. Did you know it’s a good idea to stock up on night-vision goggles? With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I recommend this book as a great gift for that special someone.
The company Cards Against Humanity offers something called the Donald Trump Bug-Out Bag. It’s a pre-packed duffle bag/ survival kit.
Items include: 1) a flint and steel to help start a fire “to warm your cold, terrified family”; 2) a gas mask “to protect you from the red dust while you scavenge for scrap metal;” 3) a can of beans “to eat around the fire on a special occasion;” and 4) a copy of Plato’s Republic “so you can contemplate the ultimate folly of democracy.”
Clearly, the time to hesitate is through. I suggest Victorians stop worrying about bike lanes and marauding deer in favour of constructing backyard bunkers. On a practical level, these could be rented out to counteract the low vacancy rate in our city.
You’re no doubt saying to yourself: “This sounds good. Very good, in fact. But how should I equip my backyard bunker?” Here are some suggestions.
My research indicates bunkers always contain cans of tuna, corned beef hash and Spam. Buy a 20-year supply. Also, it’s a good idea to get a crossbow to shoot your post-nuclear game (tip: if it’s glowing, don’t eat it).
I was pleased to see a Cedes Milano toothpaste-squeezer for sale online. That way, huddled in your survival bunker, you can get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube. This chrome-plated-brass squeezer retails for $320.
Also recommended: a Dupont Tychem protective coverall to shield you from chemical spills. It’s hooded, day-glo yellow and looks simply spectacular. Imagine donning this bad boy and striding around your neighbourhood like a post-apocalyptic John Wayne.
I confess I’m badly behind the game with my survival kit and bunker. All we have is a 15-year-old earthquake kit in a plastic garbage bag. And one corner of the bag is badly gnawed, due to either marauding rodents or our pug dog, Ollie.
After reading Trump’s World War III tweet, I started gathering bunker supplies from around our house.
My new-and-improved survival kit includes a flashlight, a pair of rubber boots and a rain poncho with a Jagermeister logo on the front. There are also three Cuban cigars and the tequila my brother bought me from Mexico in a bottle shaped liked like a voluptuous woman. Oh, and a copy of Tubular Bells by Mike Oldfield.
After careful consideration, I’ve decided to allow my wife into the Chamb-O-Bunker.
However, I have doubts about inviting Ollie. Despite years of house-training, he recently reverted to relieving himself in the rec room. And these deposits are almost impossible to see on the Persian carpet.
Clearly, Ollie the Pug is not cut out for the brave new world. Next week: David Cassidy retires — will Danny Bonaduce take up the Partridge Family baton?