Give snow a sportsing chance
Expert advice on faking conversations — before boredom has you bolting from the room
Today, everyone will be talking about the stupid, stupid snow. And some people will still be talking about last Sunday’s Super Bowl. Which is also stupid. Everyone knows how to converse about snow. It’s cold, slippery and annoying. On the other hand, some of us know little about sports or the Super Bowl.
Not to worry. I’m an expert at faking conversations. Here’s a few helpful sport-chat tips:
1. If you find yourself in a Super Bowl convo, merely repeat what the last person said. Example: “He threw a pass,” or “Wow, what an ending!” or “Tom Brady … I salute you, sir!”
2. Never refer to uniforms as “costumes.” Never refer to sports as “sportsing.”
3. An all-purpose phrase is: “Boom goes the dynamite.” If people ask what you mean by that, run out of the room.
4. If someone is critical of another player’s performance, say: “Yeah, that guy sucks.” If someone asks you to explain what you mean, say: “Boom goes the dynamite!”
5. If someone mentions the half-time show, say: “I’m simply ga-ga about Gaga.”
Back to the snow. Yes, it’s awful. This week, instead of drinking delicious après-work cocktails, you likely found yourself shovelling the path to your house so the postman doesn’t fall down and sue you.
But did you know the snow is also a terrific excuse for not doing stuff? Here are a few examples:
1. Sorry I didn’t do the dishes. I spent my dishwashing time assisting a cat lost in the snow.
2. Sorry I didn’t take the dog out. He was scared by an itinerant cat that jumped out from behind a snow-drift.
3. Sorry I erased that episode of Downton Abbey that you PVRed. Stupid snow.
4. Sorry I didn’t buy you a Valentine’s gift. I was going to get you some Ivanka Trump fashions at Nordstrom. But it was snowing.
Snow conversation is dull. If you’re like me, you get bored after 10 seconds. Who cares if someone’s windshield wiper was frozen or their car spun out? Unless the story is about people falling comically into snowbanks, no one wants to hear it.
In this city, it’s common to encounter people who enjoy reminiscing about the Great Victoria Blizzard of 1996. That’s the worst. I usually respond by saying: “Do you know, during the Great Victoria Blizzard, we were snowbound in our house for two weeks. After we’d eaten all the regular food, we were forced to subsist on the spice rack for three days. To this day, I cannot abide the smell of turmeric or coriander.”
There’s always that one person who will respond with their own Great Victoria Blizzard spice-rack story. Not to worry. Simply reassume control of the conversation by amping up the wattage.
For example, you might say: “You know, during the Great Victoria Blizzard, I shovelled out the driveways of all my neighbours. It was quite a task, given the snow was three metres high and I was attacked by belligerent crows. The neighbours started calling me The Great Snow Shoveller. Also, they elected me the mayor of the neighbourhood and made me a throne made from pipe-cleaners.”
Of course, there’s always that one guy in the back who chimes in by saying he was also elected mayor of his neighbourhood and received a similar pipe-cleaner throne.
When this happens, just say: “I’m simply ga-ga about Gaga.” Then run out of the room.
Next week: Boating for beginners.