Tell friend about feelings of same-sex attraction
Dear Ellie: I’ve been separated from my ex-husband for almost two years, with children ages 10 and eight. Several years before my separation, I became friends with another mom, already separated, with similarly-aged children.
We’ve grown very close, enjoying many playdates and dinners. Around the time of separating, I realized I had feelings for my friend but revealed nothing. I wondered how it would affect our and our children’s friendship.
It’s the first time I’ve been physically and mentally attracted to another woman. Now, I’m wondering if I should say something. I have no idea if she’d reciprocate, but I’m very certain she’d listen and be kind.
Recently, she started to date (men) again. She shared this with me reluctantly, perhaps because I wasn’t welcoming this information.
I was really upset but tried not to show it and have no right because I’ve never disclosed my feelings to her. I worry that if she hits it off with a man, it’ll affect my relationship with her and shut down any possibility I might have with her in future. I feel hurt/jealous with no good reason, and don’t know if I should say anything or try to get over it.
Speak Up or Stay Silent? Understandably, this is a tough decision. But agonizing over it will make you distance from her without explanation.
Or bluntly announcing your feelings may cause her to withdraw out of surprise.
Instead, trust the close friendship.
Confide that you’ve had, for some time, feelings of samesex-attraction that you’ve never experienced before. Let her ask you questions about it, but don’t say yet that she’s the woman in mind.
Absorb her reaction and overall attitude. Based on that, you’ll know what next step you want to take. Ultimately, I believe that being true to yourself will become a pressing need, and that you’ll eventually reveal your feelings for her.
But initially raising the topic may make you more comfortable about opening up to her, or more fortified with inner resolve to just speak up and accept whatever follows.
Dear Ellie: My son, estranged from the family for six years, has had psychological problems since childhood. He sued his elderly, handicapped grandparents twice (both cases dismissed; he’s appealing). Since their deaths, I’m now being sued as the estate’s executor. He’s already cost us over $100,000 in legal fees.
He has a lot of anger/resentment/hatred — mainly toward me. I’ve not seen my grandsons for six years. Recently he emailed that if l want to communicate, he’ll go to a therapist of my choice. He saw a psychiatrist for many years, and I attended weekly with him over a year. All for naught.
I feel sorry for him and want to help him.
Need A Special Psychologist This sad estrangement story began in your son’s childhood and related to family dynamics as he saw them. A professional psychotherapist experienced with family dysfunction/ estrangement will have the skills and advice you’re seeking. … that’s the hope in seeking help. In some cases, family relationships can/do improve. But it requires everyone’s willingness to see things differently.
Certainly, ongoing legal battles are a barrier. If there could be a monetary solution to what he’s seeking, without impoverishing others in the wills, he might drop his lawsuit.
Will that bring him back into a relationship with you? Unknown.
But, as a mother, your best chance is to ask mental health professionals for recommendations for the best therapist.
Then attend sessions with an open mind, and willingness to modify/change/improve whatever you can. The rest is up to your son.
Feedback regarding the woman whose boyfriend always wears a long-sleeve t-shirt and zippered sweat pants to bed even to have sex (Sept. 11): Reader:
“She should go to bed wearing a long-sleeve shirt with a pyjama that has a zipper at the lower part.
“She’ll probably not enjoy it as much (since she prefers skinto-skin touching). But it might persuade her partner to rethink his nighttime apparel.”
Ellie: Important for readers to recall that the letter-writer’s big concern was that his need for the clothing was a fetish which she worried was a “disorder.”
However, he explained that he’s always gone to bed that way. Assured that there’s nothing “wrong,” she can now hope that he’ll also try intimacy her way.
Ellie’s tip of the day
Confessing lesbian feelings for a woman friend means being true to oneself.