You’ve moved on from ex; now it’s time to stop grieving

Dear Ellie: My husband walked out on me in 2010 at a barbecue. He said that he was going to the washroom, but he left.

Skip some years… he married her, they divorced, now he’s living with another woman.

I’ve grieved, been angry, sad, moved house, got a new job, lost weight.

Now, I’m back to my normal weight. but I still feel completely lost, lonely and hurt. I’ve tried to get myself a new life, yet I still yearn for my old life.

It was 11 years on June 27, and I still cry over the pain he caused me.

My daughter has nothing to do with him; my son is still in contact and they motorbike together.

I pray that he’s hurting still, too. He has four grandchildren whom he doesn’t see and knows nothing about.

I have everything, so why can’t I move on? Everyone thinks it gets easier with time… I beg to differ.

Can’t Get Past It There’s a time when emotional pain remains so familiar, it seems easier to accept it as part of you than to push yourself beyond the past.

The shock of how your exhusband left you has kept you in that period of non-acceptance.

Yet you have moved on, despite your tears. Regaining your normal physical self in weight, staying connected to your adult kids, the joy of involvement with four grandchildren, are all relationships that have sustained you.

Time does heal, if you let it. Your ex has been the greater loser. He’s not the man you once loved.

Use the gift of time to recognize all that you’ve achieved without him, while he’s proven himself to be a man who can never be trusted or counted on.

Dear Ellie: We’re married, lived together 30-plus years, have three adult children, two still living with us.

Our relationship became troubled after my partner suspected that I was financially helping my siblings. She also disliked that I’ve invited my widowed sister to visit though she never stayed with us.

Over time, we have stopped functioning as husband and wife. We haven’t been intimate for more than five years. We attend social functions and church together, but communicate little at home.

There was never any physical violence in the home. However, she has falsely alleged against me and filed criminal charges of assault and choking. The matter is before the court for trial; I’ve not pleaded guilty.

Also, she has filed an application to family court for divorce and sale of the house. I was the sole breadwinner while she had free access to a joint chequing account using her own debit card.

My question: What went wrong in our relationship that had no violence, free access to a bank account, and all needs fully paid for by me? Broken Partnership

It’s hard to sustain a smooth marriage when there’s distrust of one party’s relatives.

But it’s sad that those feelings lead to lack of both intimacy and communication, creating a cold atmosphere in the home.

However, your wife’s allegations of violence are worrisome.

Unfortunately, you make no mention of any attempts to discuss and compromise on divisive issues or to seek marital counselling.

My advice is to make sure you are clear, honest and forthright in the information you give your lawyer to present at court. I hope the same is true for your wife.

Feedback regarding the young woman who lives and works in the big city and the man she loves, who lives and works three hours away (June 22):

Reader: I’ve learned that jobs don’t last forever. This story sounds like it could be a romance of opportunity and is really only in the early stages. They should use the time and distance to really get to know each other.

If the relationship could be serious, each should investigate the possibility of finding a job near the other’s location.

As Ellie wrote: “Three hours is a mental break from city/work tensions when she travels to see you. And it’s an urban tour of restaurants, theatre, etc. post-pandemic, when you visit her.”