Caregivers need some respite from looking after loved ones

Dear Ellie: My close friend, mid-50s, is now a caregiver for his wife. He’s doing the right thing, but I feel badly for him.

He can only be away if one of their adult children is home that night, so he must plan way ahead for that one night.

Only family who are doublevaccinated can be with her as her drugs have affected her immune system.

She’s 53 and bedridden after an accident which caused chronic back pain. She’s on disability and heavy drugs, which make her constantly drowsy.

He’s been working from home throughout COVID, both because of the pandemic and her care. Meanwhile, her sister is an anti-vaxxer, so my friend has no other helper.

Is there anything that I can do to help him?

Concerned Friend You can search for a fullyvaccinated health care worker for him to hire for some relief, if his wife can accept a helper.

Of course, the person must be living under COVID protocols — wearing a mask, and not living/socializing with people who are unvaccinated. It’s a tall order but with lots of people receiving less income these past 18 months, one appropriate person might want the job.

Also, if your friend’s adult children can give more time — e.g., taking over for a weekend — they’d give their father a much-needed break. If possible, suggest the idea to him.

Dear Readers: Occasionally, a seemingly simple question draws a huge reaction from people who have faced the same predicament. These are responses to one of that kind:

Feedback regarding the chronically late in-laws (Aug. 11):

Reader: My friend is HOURS late for everything. I was once left waiting in a transit station for over two hours for a shopping trip. She was eight hours late for a weekend get-together. When we arrived for her house party, she was out food shopping.

My cousin was a day late when he was supposed to be driving his mother to visit family who live 10 hours away.

I don’t think they’re controlling, or don’t care about others. I think there’s genuinely something wrong with their ability to plan their time and prepare to do something. They also don’t realize just how much it affects others.

Reader 2: I had the same problem with a sister and brother-in-law, both chronically late and uncaring of the imposition on others.

I decided to not be taken hostage by their behaviour and stopped waiting. I encouraged family and friends to start things without them. On future occasions, my sister-in-law would sulk and complain that things started without them. I’d respond that there was no obligation for a host to delay events until they showed up.

I wouldn’t berate her, just state the obvious, “you’re really late!” I’d then walk away and enjoy events as planned.

After several gatherings for which they showed up late, my aunt confronted her. There was a screaming match.

Then everyone in the family and some friends received emails about how rude we were to her, that she wouldn’t be attending events in future and would never talk to us again.

I don’t think her own lateness ever bothered her, but she considered others’ pointing it out was an evil deed.