Family war brewing over Grandma’s favouritism
Dear Lisi: My mother very clearly prefers one of my sons over the other. I don’t understand it, other than to say it was obvious growing up that she preferred my brother over me. He was her first born and I think I was an accident. It didn’t bother me growing up because I just slipped under her radar and lived my life.
But with my children, it breaks my heart. They’re just babies, so they don’t realize or care, but I do NOT want this to continue until they’re old enough to recognize the discrepancy. She oohs and ahhs over the older one and never arrives emptyhanded for him. How hard is it though for her to buy two stuffed toys, or two sweaters?
My wife is so hurt by my mother’s actions that she has stopped speaking to her. She won’t invite her over, and if I do, she leaves with both children. At first my mother didn’t clue in, but now she’s starting to, and I feel a massive war is brewing which won’t be good for anyone. How do I negotiate this? Unfavourable grandparenting You, your mom and your wife are three mature adults who need to sit down and have a conversation. Naming the elephant in the room, in this case having a favourite, brings the issue right out into the open. There’s no point wasting time pretending it isn’t happening.
Call your mom out nicely; she obviously still loved you as a child and still does. For whatever reason, her natural way is to prefer one child/grandchild. Explain to her how it made you feel as a child, without hurting her, and how you don’t want those same feelings for your child. Show her how easy it is to love them both, especially when they’re babies.
And calmly point out why your wife behaves the way she does — she’s a normal protective mother who only wants what’s best for BOTH her children.
I am not a grandparent, but my understanding is that the only thing better than a grandchild is two grandchildren. It may take your mom awhile to get her head around it but work with her. It’ll be beneficial for everyone. FEEDBACK Regarding the fedup groom (Jan. 6):
Reader – “As a woman and wife who has two sisters who are selfish, I have some points to share:
“1) The bridesmaids always walk down the aisle before the bride, so just get over that. If she’s in the wedding party, you will see her face first!
“2) The bridesmaid does NOT have to walk with someone (that is decided by you and your fiancé), but personally I feel this option says, ‘hey look at me.’
“3) Yes, this greedy sister-inlaw can upset you, but you can’t let it ruin ‘your day.’ Your wife should establish ground rules only if she feels the need to do so. Bring it up gently, so you don’t insult/hurt anyone’s feelings.
“4) This sister is not ‘your problem to fix’; she’s used to the attention. If she wants to walk alone, let her. Let her have a different colour of dress (if she wants) if there are other bridesmaids. Be accommodating until the wedding is over. Then new rules apply because now you’re defending your wife and home and potential mother of your children. But these rules need to be laid out before the marriage takes place.
“Remember you’re not just marrying your selfless partner; you’re marrying her whole family and that includes the SELFISH sister, too.
“But…. if it isn’t bothering the bride, why does it bother you?”
Dear Lisi: Last week I drove to my daughter’s school to pick her up. I saw a friend, so I pulled over to the side of the road instead of getting into the pickup line. We were standing outside of our cars chatting when another woman screeched up behind us, parked her car and got out.
She looked over and smiled so I calmly pointed out that she had parked directly in front of someone’s driveway. I was totally shocked when she waved me away and said, “I’ll only be a minute.”
Who does this woman think she is?!?
Bad Etiquette
Some people are extremely entitled, and it comes out in ways that would never even cross your mind. This woman needed a place to park, and she found one, albeit illegal and dangerous. She wrongly (or rightly) assumes that she could move her car quickly if needed. That’s not the point.