Strong friend falling apart after mother’s death

Dear Lisi: My friend’s mom has been sick for years. Her father died years ago, so mom’s care has fallen on her and her brother. It’s been a slow and steady decline, and my friend and her brother have managed well.

It has been hard, as their mom was quite vibrant, but the three of them have been close and working together, helping her through her transitions. As her mom worsened, I could see that my friend was hurting. But she was strong and stoic whenever I broached the topic.

Her mother passed recently. I attended the funeral and helped her out with the constant flow of visitors. It’s been a week, and I’m surprised to see that my friend is falling apart.

I know it sounds odd, but I honestly thought she would feel relieved. Her mother was in pain, and she had told me it was hard to watch. As well, she spent a lot of time with her mother, which took time away from her kids, her husband and her work.

How can I help her when she seems inconsolable?

Helpless friend Everyone deals with grief differently; there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Though your friend may have shown a strong outward façade while caring for her mother, it obviously was taking its toll on her on the inside. Watching anyone you love suffer and decline is painful. I imagine your friend was holding it together for her mother’s sake, and now that she’s gone, all those years of suffering silently are pouring out.

She would benefit from some grief counselling. As her good friend, you could do some research and offer her options. She might not take you up on it, but she’ll appreciate that you’re thinking of her mental health.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman being bullied (Jan. 17):

Reader — “Not to excuse the mean girl’s behaviour, but if the woman is becoming abusive, it’s possible that she’s being bullied/abused herself. Perhaps something has gone wrong with her marriage, and she’s unable to voice it or get professional help. While it’s not the ‘nice bullied girl’s’ responsibility to help the bully, she might want to have a one-on-one conversation and ask her if everything is all right in her life. It could allow the bully to open up and get help. Again, this is not to excuse the bully’s behaviour, and the ‘nice girl’ does not need to do this; she should protect herself and her own mental health first.”

Lisi — That’s a very thoughtful message. So kind of you to think of the other person and what’s going on “behind her closed door.”

Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your questions to lisi@thestar.ca