Friend who dumped his wife is obviously in crisis

Dear Lisi: My best friend just dumped his wife and I have no idea why or what he’s thinking. We talk daily; he never mentioned a thing! I called him on my way to work that day and he didn’t answer. I didn’t leave a message; we never do. I figured he’d call when he could.

That afternoon, my wife called me incredulous, asking why I hadn’t told her the news. She was furious I hadn’t warned her. I didn’t know what she was talking about! Apparently, my friend’s wife, who is close friends with my wife, called her crying hysterically.

After everyone calmed down, I assured both my wife and my friend’s wife that I had no idea this was happening. They’re finding it hard to believe, as am I, that I was completely left out in the cold.

I’ve called my friend several times since that day and have barely spoken to him. I can’t just walk away from this — I feel my friendship needs rethinking; my wife is upset that she wasn’t able to properly console her friend; and his wife is upset thinking I allowed him to throw her under the bus.

What do I do?

Cold friend I’m pretty sure your friend was covering his own ass by not telling you, knowing you would have told your wife who would have then told his. For whatever reason, he wanted the element of surprise. Not nice. Take both women out to dinner and assure them that you were completely uninformed.

As for your friend, it sounds like he’s in crisis. With no other information — I don’t know your ages, how long they were married, whether they have children, so I can’t assume anything. But people usually don’t just dump their partner and their bestie on the same day. Something is going on.

Obviously, you care about him, so keep calling and pop in on him. You’re going to have to pin him down (not physically) to get some well-deserved answers.

Dear Lisi: I’ve been with my partner for 22 years. I’m 70, and he’s 85 years old. We have a wonderful loving relationship. He is very caring and very good to me and my family.

The problem is his son, a successful lawyer, who is 48. I believe that he has, and will continue to, financially abuse his father. He had his dad mortgage his house to give him money to pay for his car insurance because his driving record is so bad. Yet he continually brags about how much money he earns.

This came to a blowout recently because I spoke up to his son; now I am the “bad” one. His son called my partner and myself a nasty term and we didn’t speak for nearly a month. Finally, my partner called a meeting and his son apologized, but continues his irresponsible behaviour. His sister knows everything, but just blames her dad for enabling her brother. I wish she would speak up and make her brother realize that he needs help, both financially and personally.

The son still refuses to get his responsibilities in order and GROW UP. What can we do?

Adult children The problem started years ago, perhaps even before you and your partner got together. Somewhere along the line, your partner allowed his son to take advantage financially (it could have been very minor) and the tone was set. No doubt fanned by the guilt many divorced parents feel.

At 48 and 85, these two men need to sit down with a lawyer and a financial planner. You and the daughter might need to be present as well. All financials need to be laid bare, wills written and inheritances laid out. And then you two need to set boundaries and walk away from any more of his bullying.

FEEDBACK Regarding the student who questioned his teacher (Jan. 31):

Reader —“As an elementary teacher for 30 years teaching the higher grades, my opening sentence to the students every September was, ‘I will learn far more about being a good teacher from you than you will ever learn from me.’

“Once a term we held ‘You be the Teacher Day’ where students could shine in music, art, karate, magic, sport, poetry, etc. This way the kids showcased who they were outside the classroom and became more appreciative of each other’s talents.

“If a student were to challenge my ideas in class, I would be thrilled because helping them think was my goal. I understand the 15-year-old boy feeling frustrated. The teacher had a chance to let him shine. They failed.”

Let them shine