Menopausal wife needs to talk sex with doctor

QWe’re

successful professionals married 25 years, with two excellent children. My wife has been going through menopause one year. She recently said she doesn’t want any more intimacy or sexual relations, forever, claiming she’s now asexual. We used to enjoy intimacy. She suggested I find a mistress. Do I ride it out and continue to show my affection, desires and try to be intimate or is this a permanent thing for some women? I love her. Help! AStart

talking to her doctor,

hopefully together. Even if she doesn’t want to go, say that her health and well- being are too important for you to not understand her feelings and their origin. Many menopausal women who experience a lessening of libido — not uncommon — investigate all the various means to maintain their interest in sex, and their comfort ( menopause also causes vaginal dryness which can be painful during sex). But some women have been so rattled by negative reports about hormone replacement therapy ( HRT) that they reject even non- invasive aids such as topical lubricants. Unless you two had other problems in your marriage that’s prompted her control move, her attitude reflects some fear and discomfort as well as the normal decreased hormone output. Be pro- active in telling her you, too, are going through her menopause and want to approach it as a loving couple should, with good information for discussing options.

For more on menopause, see www. womenshealthmatters. ca. QMy

son, 23, is a college

graduate, from a loving, stable home, now living with his girlfriend and baby. He’s always been a bit difficult, but his hairtrigger temper regularly gets him into trouble — brawling with strangers or fistfighting with friends. Often, there’s booze involved. He refuses to ignore any real or perceived slight. His family and his patient girlfriend are unable to convince him to control his anger. How can we help him? Heartsick in Calgary AThe

person best positioned

to influence him is his girlfriend . . . if she walks. And she should, if he ever gets physical or threatening with her, or sooner. Until he gets a shake- up, he’s headed for serious trouble and his young family will suffer.

Scientific studies have proven that alcohol exacerbates anger, and he has a problem with both. He would benefit from joining both Alcoholics Anonymous ( AA) and an anger management group. He’ll assure himself of years of rewarding fatherhood and loving relationships with his partner and family — or he can land in hospital and jail from his drunken violence.

Also, demonstrate parental compassion by saying you recognize he’s unhappy, and would like to help him find and fund, if necessary, his talking to a personal counsellor.

To find an AA group in your area, see www. aa. org.

For a local anger management group, call 211 Toronto, the social service information and referral line. QI’ve

been with my husband

22 years, with two sons. But, my wicked- witch of a motherin- law is very intrusive, negative, and verbally abusive to us all. She lives with us on weekends and with my brother- inlaw’s family weekdays. She abuses them just as much as us. She’s involved with our house and we can’t buy her out or move. The children are showing behaviour problems and I’m battling depression because of the stress. My husband tries to help but my mother- in- law doesn’t listen. How can we deal with her, so my family can enjoy her visits without the abuse? Stressed AFrankly,

your depression

and the kids’ behaviour aren’t worth whatever financial arrangement you have. My first recommendation is that you “ bully back” by looking into every available means of separating this housing arrangement, even if you have to move to a smaller but happier place of independence. But since I don’t know the details, I understand you might still insist this is impossible.

In that case, spend as little time with her as necessary to survive her visits — arrange daylong outings for your gang only; hire a “ babysitter” if necessary to stay with her, or keep her company while you four are busy. Meet only for dinner, say, and then when she begins negative chatter, cut her off with, “ Mom, we want to enjoy you, but won’t put up with all this negative talk and criticism.”

You’ve let her rule the air waves for too long. Straighten your backs and speak up, though never as disrespectfully as she does.

Tip of the Day: Menopause is also a couples’ experience, and should be understood and discussed that way. Ellie appears Monday to Saturday. Email: ellie@thestar.ca. Fax: 416-814- 2797. www.ellie.ca