Wife’s silence over cheating isn’t golden

QI’m

a man, whose wife of

five years recently cheated with a co- worker. I recently discovered that this co- worker has been working around the corner from my house, for eight months; the affair was four months ago. She has yet to tell me the truth about the affair. Should I trust her or should I leave? Feeling Stupid AThere’s

a big difference between “stupid” — which you’re not — and kept in the dark — which is something you can not accept. There can’t be trust without truth. But your wife is hoping, wrongly, that her silence will save her from embarrassing admissions. Yet the longer she withholds details, the sooner you’ll have to leave rather than live with doubt and suspicion. Maybe that’s what she wants; if so, she must speak up, giving you both the chance to talk about why the marriage isn’t working. Marriage counselling is the most helpful way to discuss separating OR staying together. Tell her that going with you is the only route she’s left possible, for deciding what you each want to happen next. QI’m

18, attracted to my

front-door neighbour for almost three years. I always look at him and he looks back. When he moved in three years ago, I thought I had a chance. Unfortunately, he lived with four other men; one started talking to me and I’d constantly ask about “ his friend” who really was his uncle, then 26. Since I was more interested in his uncle, we stopped communicating. Ever since, the uncle keeps staring and sometimes we wave. At parties here, we smile and stare at each other but neither one of us makes a move. I wonder if he’s interested but concerned that he’s nine years older than me. Or if he’s just friendly and likes to stare. Another neighbour says he asks about me and has my phone number, yet he doesn’t call. Should I be waiting since I leave for college in a month, or should I make a move? Waiting in Chicago A

This is your opportunity for

an acceptable, non-pushy move and it goes like this: a knock on the door, a breezy statement that you’re off to college and hope you’ll bump into him on your return, and one of your nice waves with a smile. Then say, bye-bye. Anything more, even a suggestion that he call you or visit you at school, could be off- putting. He seems to have good sense — he was correct in not responding to you at age 15; and he’s likely still very aware of the age gap. You should be, too. It’s natural to have a teenager’s crush on an older man who’s attractive, and seeming mysterious. But this is your time to go off to college, to get the education and skills for your future, and also get to know and date guys with whom you’re on an equal footing. If your neighbour ever makes his move, you want to be mature enough to handle it. QMy

new husband is not the

favourite in his large family, and his mother has always been the “ black sheep,” both for

A no apparent reason. To finally

Rising above family prejudices impress them, he insisted on to still honour elderly having the biggest wedding we

grandparents proves far more could ( barely) afford, so his elderly

about his fine character, than grandparents could have

cutting them off would do. the whole family together.

It’s natural for you to want to They never came to any prewedding

protect him. But he’s an adult, party, with no excuse.

more than he’s an “ unfavoured We visited three times and they

child.” never mentioned our upcoming

You’ll be a better partner to acknowledge marriage. They didn’t come to his strengths in dealing the wedding: their daughter said with these slights. it was too expensive for them to

Send a thank- you note for the come. Their only acknowledgement

wedding cheque and attend of our marriage is a

family functions with your cheque.

heads held high as a proud couple My husband’s threatening to who aren’t hidebound by cut them off completely, though

others’ ignorance. there’s not much time left to grin and bear it.

Tip of the Day: An affair ends

Yet I feel that accepting their

trust, unless it triggers a new, behaviour would prove to him

open conversation about the and his family that he’s undeserving

marriage. of better. If he continues the one- sided relationship, am I Ellie appears Monday to Saturday. right to stay out of it? Email: ellie@thestar.ca. Fax: Beleaguered Bride

416-814- 2797. Web: www.ellie.ca.