Spouses and families struggle for balance
Couples reluctant to share feelings Mother-daughter bond also studied
Steluta Ardelean and Bogdan Nitescu say they’ve returned to a happy balance in their marriage.
After Ardelean was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2000, the married couple experienced the confusion and dismay that naturally follows such news.
Ardelean is the one living with the disease, which has now moved to her liver and stomach. But she’s so sensitive to her beloved husband, she says she can’t help wonder how the situation is affecting him.
“ For a while, I wouldn’t talk about the pain. I just didn’t want to depress him,” she says. “ But now it’s in the open . . . we can discuss it. When I’m down, he’s there to pick me up . . . When he’s down, I’m there to pick him up.” Karen Fergus, a researcher at the Toronto Sunnybrook Regional Cancer Centre, is investigating how a diagnosis of breast cancer affects relationships between spouses.
“ The most challenging thing for couples dealing with breast cancer is that there is no roadmap for them to follow,” she says. “There are no clear answers about how they can best support one another. Not only are they dealing with the stress of a significant illness, they’re also dealing with a new kind of relationship stress.”
Fergus, a York University Phd graduate whose research is supported by the Ontario chapter of the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation, says illness can draw some couples closer together, while other relationships dissolve. She hopes her research will discover why, and ultimately provide helpful information for couples living with breast cancer and the agencies that support them. Her research started last year and will end this fall. But after interviewing a mix of 30 men and women from across Canada, Fergus has already discovered a common theme of “ underburdening”: a couple’s reluctance to share their feelings and vulnerabilities with one another because they want to be strong, positive and supportive. She says the husband may appear distant because, while he really feels depressed, he continues to maintain a happy face so as not to upset his wife. The wife, who may have taken on the family role as caregiver, is now the one in need and doesn’t know how to ask for help.
“ Roles can get changed,” she says. “Communication breaks down and relationships become fragile.”
Other themes emerging from Fergus’ research include men feeling like “ fish out of water” as they struggle to provide a new depth of emotional support. There is also an uncertainty among couples about when their lives can return to normal.
“ A husband may want to declare the illness as over once the treatment stops,” she says. “ But his wife realizes that even after all the therapies and tests, she is still living with the possibility cancer can return. There are no guarantees, and her life has changed forever.”
Fergus also says some men can become distressed if their wives have created a new support network, possibly spending what he considers too much time with other cancer survivors or groups. But it’s not just relationships between spouses that can be affected. Pamela Grassau, a University of Toronto Phd student who works for the Ontario Breast Cancer Community Research Initiative, is starting to probe the relationship between daughters and mothers affected by breast cancer.
Other studies have shown that, even several years after a mother is deemed cancer free, teenage daughters express fear of abandonment, fear of their mother dying and fear that they will also get breast cancer.
“ I’ll be interviewing the mothers and daughters separately, but then I’ll speak with them when they are together,” says Grassau, whose research is also being funded by the Ontario chapter of the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation. “ It’s important to see how they inter- react.”
Similar to Fergus’ project, Grassau’s findings could lead to the development of resources and strategies to help mothers and daughters cope.
Ardelean, 37, and Nitescu, 34, say they are strong in their union, but agree more information is needed for couples living with breast cancer.
Nitescu, who was completing his Phd in geology at the time of the diagnosis, says he initially felt he was a liability in the relationship.
His wife was struggling with their new reality, but he had no choice but to keep at his work. The Mississauga couple are thankful they have a nucleus of good friends to discuss their situation with, but admit most other people just like hearing good news.
“ It’s difficult to go through,” says Ardelean, who is also getting aid from the Willow Breast Cancer Support and Resource Services, and Wellspring, another popular support agency. “ The more information we can get, the better it is for everyone.”