Arranged marriage takes more work, not less
QI
recently had an arranged
marriage in India but the girl wasn’t ready for it. She had plans for further studies. Now she’s not into me and continues to ignore my feelings and emails. She says there’s no one else. I like her and love her but she has no feelings for me. Now I’m depressed and seeing a doctor. I left her back in India. What do you suggest I do? Feeling Low ATalk
to your doctor and
your parents about helping you communicate with her. Because you’re depressed, you may need medication and you’d benefit from family support once they understand your predicament. It’s not your fault that she wasn’t ready for the union. While I understand there are many positive aspects to arranged marriages for people who want this cultural approach, I can also sympathize greatly — as should you — with her unpreparedness. If you truly want this marriage, I propose that you write her a letter saying you do understand what she’s going through and you’d like her to pursue her education; also, that you’d like to get to know her better through long-distance contact. Without pressing for her to leave India, stay in touch, show interest in her progress. Then write that you’d like to visit at a time suitable to her, whereby you’d stay with relatives or in a hotel and just get together as friends. If this approach doesn’t work toward bringing you closer and discussing when to live together, I say it’s the people who arranged the marriage who didn’t get it right, not you. In that case, divorce may be the best answer for you both. QThis
is my third wedding.
Number 1: I wore my sister’s hand-me-down wedding dress. Number 2: I wore a business suit, all I could afford. Now, since my future husband has never married, we’re having a medium- size wedding. I chose a Victorian wedding-dress pattern, in pink silk, with my fiancé’s approval. My mother insists that both a wedding dress and the colour pink are inappropriate for me. Is there a specific colour for future marriages ( beige doesn’t suit me)? Also, is wearing a wedding dress in a different colour suitable? Should I bow down to what my mother feels is acceptable? Hassled Bride AGive
Mom a big hug and tell
her how much you love her and intend to stay close throughout this marriage, which you’re going to make last. Then, start that process by telling her that you and your fiancé are making your own choices now and the pink dress is what you both want. When she protests, just smile and say, “ Mom, a third wedding isn’t the usual tradition, either, but I’m sure happy about it and I’ll bet you are, too.” QCigarette
smoke drifts into
my apartment from the apartment below. My son and I moved in recently and I wrongly thought his room would be spared from the smoke. Whenever I smell smoke, I close all the windows — in the morning, later in the evening, or on weekends when the woman who lives there is home. I’m a non- smoker and it’s difficult, especially when it’s hot. I don’t know if anything can be done. It’s important for me to be polite to everyone in the building and I do respect the need to be able to do what one likes in their own environment. I also don’t know this woman well. Choked Up AIf
you live in a temperate
climate, you’ll be happy that colder weather is coming along with closed windows. Meanwhile, your balanced attitude should help clear some smoke from this situation. Send a polite letter to your neighbour asking if she can help you find a solution, as you want to protect your son from the effects of secondhand smoke. Be prepared that some long-time smokers don’t believe the research in this area and think it comes from an anti- smoking lobby. Also be prepared that she may have no desire to change her habits. But a gentle, friendly query that includes where his room is located and when he’s asleep in it, asking if she can make any helpful adjustments, shouldn’t create a major rift. An air ionizer- purifier can help somewhat — one established manufacturer advertises that while it reduces airborne allergens and irritants, including dust mite allergen, pet dander and cigarette smoke, “ no air cleaner can protect against the harmful effects of secondhand tobacco smoke.” ‰ Tip of the Day: Wooing sometimes requires starting from the beginning, even after marriage. Ellie appears Monday to Saturday. Email: ellie@thestar.ca. Fax: 416-814- 2797. www.ellie.ca.