Read her lips:‘not ready’ means not ready
QI’m
a guy in my mid- 20’ s,
successful, who has been dating a beautiful girl three years younger than me for two years. She lives a “ sheltered life,” working part- time and attending university. Recently, arguments arose, she wasn’t coming to my house as much and sex was minimal . . . her excuse was fatigue. She suggested we spend several months apart. I was hurt and depressed, but we still talked. I know she flirts with other men, and has also been doing things out of the ordinary like attending strip clubs and frequenting bars with her male work friends. It’s three months later, and I think enough time has passed. Am I supposed to end it and seek other women? Or try to talk? She keeps on saying she’s not ready. She also says I can date if it’s just for sex. Waiting In The Wings ARead
her lips — Not Ready
says it all. Even after two years, a young woman who’s still in school is growing and changing and finding out what she really wants. She clearly had hoped to hang on to you while she tried out different experiences, but that’s unfair to you. Back off. You both need time apart with no ties. It’s openended as to whether you’ll ever come back together, but don’t count on it. QI’m
59, a widow for six
years. I have no idea where to meet men in the same situation. I’m not looking for marriage but I’d like company. I have no computer at home so forget about the Internet dating scene. I have family for support but I need more. All my friends are married. Can you suggest anything? On My Own AYou’ll
be amazed at how
many connections you can make if you’re friendly, interested in others and open to new experiences. Start with your own interests such as music, art, reading, film or sport and join a group that’s pursuing these, or take a class. These opportunities can be found through a local community centre, a “ Y” or a learning facility that offers adult education, such as a college or school board. Most faith- based organizations also have activities for seniors, many of whom are on their own. ‰ The City of Toronto parks and recreation department offers a variety of options throughout the city for older adults to meet. Their “ Fun Guide” is available at your local community centre. Activities are either free or cost a nominal fee. QTwo
years ago, my youngest daughter was arrested for assault on a police officer, possession of cocaine and public mischief. She was put on probation; a psychologist diagnosed her with adult Attention Deficit Disorder ( ADD). We had no clue — she’d graduated college with honours and never previously got into trouble.
At 25, she’s been arrested twice more, has had several jobs and moved three times. Her probation includes visits to a psychiatrist and drug counsellor. She’s drawn to dangerous environments including dancing at strip clubs and the “ wrong” crowd. Her boyfriend is a nice guy but has depression problems. My husband and I are 100 per cent supportive, we love her dearly and tell her we do, as does our whole family. I’m so afraid for her. Our visits together are always good, she looks amazingly healthy, but is tired a lot. She told me yesterday she stopped taking medication for depression because she’s not sad. I can tell she’s heading for a fall. What more can I do to help her? Sad Mom AHelp
yourself and her siblings, so you all remain strong and supportive of her and each other. This includes family counselling for all of you and getting solid information about her condition, which may involve more mental health issues than ADD alone. Ask your daughter if she’ll permit you to talk to her psychiatrist, so you can better understand what she’s going through, and to know her treatment plan. Once informed about what treatment and medication is essential for her, you can all be part of the team that encourages her and stays close, but without making any one of you responsible for her life. Your loving, supportive involvement is very important to your daughter, but she’ll have to want to change her behaviour on her own. Your job is to make sure she has easy and quick access to help from you and from her doctors, when she needs it. ‰ Tip of the Day: Pushing someone who’s “ not ready” into a commitment is asking for trouble later. Ellie appears Monday to Saturday. Email: ellie@thestar.ca. Fax: 416-814- 2797. www.ellie.ca.