Married lover has more than you on her mind
QI’m
a single male, 45, involved with a married coworker on and off for three years. She’d constantly complain to me about her husband but, if a problem arose between the two of us, she’d turn silent. This would frustrate me and I’d end up saying or doing something that I’d later regret. Meanwhile, her daughter got married and in January gave birth to a child. Recently, I phoned her to wish her a happy birthday and got the impression something was wrong. That was the last time we spoke. Again, she’s gone silent! I loved her, married or not, and had told her I never felt this way toward anyone previously and wanted to be there for her. I now feel a void in my life and am depressed. What can I do? Sinking Low AAffairs
with married people
should come with a warning sign, saying, “ Beware of Person’s Other Life.” In other words, your lover has involvements with other people you only heard about, but never knew the whole story. While your fantasy romance together seemed idyllic, she was also busy with children, a new grandchild, relatives, and far more connections and events that could distract from you permanently. That’s the price of most married affairs — they end. It’s time for you to figure out why this one woman was so ideal for you: Was it because you had no responsibilities beyond the romantic? Whatever the reason, if you seek a full- time partner, you need to find one who’s free, put in the same effort, and learn the benefits of a relationship that can last. QA
friend of mine is soon
marrying her long-time fiancé. Her mother- in- law to- be still babies her grown children. The couple’s had a few spats over this. To what extent should mothers- in- law be involved in the lives of their newly married children? When is it considered interference? How does the guy negotiate peaceful settlements? Happily- Ever- After ACreating
an independent
new unit is one of the tasks — and the joys — of couples. Those spats were a signal to start finding their own style and their own way of arriving at mutual decisions. Naturally, it’s respectful and often wise to listen to some of what parents advise, since they have the greater life experience. However, the advice becomes “interference” if it’s given as a command. Couples should note, however, that if they expect their weddings to be paid by parents, they’re likely to get and should consider more input. Still, this groom needs to make it clear to Mom that he and his bride are able to make many of their own choices and need to do so. QI
was recently offered a job
interview and arranged babysitting for my young children. When I arrived, I was told that the woman who was to meet me had left the office for home. Her assistant phoned her. The woman said she left early because she was so sick she completely forgot about this meeting. I was told to leave my name and contact phone numbers, I’d be called the next day to reschedule. I was very upset because I thought she should have checked her calendar before she left. Worse, she never phoned me back to apologize or reschedule anything. Someone said I should’ve phoned back, because I was the one who sought the job. I just can’t swallow that. I even want to file a complaint against that lady for such irresponsible behaviour. Should I beg for a job I don’t even want any more? Ticked Off A
Trust me, they don’t want
you either. Your attitude is way off what it takes to work in the real world. Things happen, people get sick or busy, interviews get postponed or cancelled. Your “ upset” behaviour was undoubtedly reported back to this woman, likely convincing her you were unsuitable for that workplace. You showed no compassion for her illness, no flexibility. Yes, you’re out the babysitting cost, and yes, it would’ve been more polite to call you back. But it was clear you would not be their choice. Talk to people who work in offices about what to expect, before you arrange more interviews. ‰ You can learn helpful businessplace skills through reading Business Class: Etiquette Essentials for Success at Work, by Jacqueline Whitmore. It’s a guide for getting, keeping and succeeding at a job. ‰ Tip of the Day: An affair with a married lover has an unwritten rule: It’s often the children — and even the spouses — who come first. Ellie appears Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Fax: 416-814- 2797. www.ellie.ca.