When divine wisdom calls, Bush is on the other line

The president sat behind his stately desk in the Oval Office and drummed his fingers impatiently on the arm of his chair. He pressed a button. “Anything yet, Karl?” The voice of the president’s closest adviser emanated from a desk speaker. “ Nothing yet, President Bush, but we expect a call at any moment. I’ll notify you immediately.” The president tapped his fingers harder, bounced his knee up and down, spun in his chair. He couldn’t hold out much longer.

Suddenly, the phone rang. The president snatched the receiver. “ Mr. President,” the aide named Karl said, “ the Radical Religious Right, line two.”

“Finally!” The president hit line two and said, “ Hello?”

“ You may now go,” the Radical Religious Right said. “Thank you!” The president dropped the receiver to the desk and ran to the presidential washroom. He felt a lot better when he got back. Maybe he should stop having coffee in the morning. When a call like that came in later than expected, all that coffee, well, it made it hard to concentrate.

His personal secretary came into the Oval Office. “ Mr. President, I was just wondering what you’ll be wanting for lunch. The chef is offering a choice of chicken or tuna salad.”

“ Chicken or tuna, chicken or tuna,” the president said, considering. He pressed the button again. “Karl, can you get the Radical Religious Right back on the phone for me?”

“ Are we doing luncheon selections, Mr. President?”

“ Yeah. I’m starving and need to know their thoughts on this as soon as possible.” He took his hand off the button and told his secretary he’d have an answer for her presently. He sat at his desk, looked out the window, hummed Hail to the Chief to himself quietly for a couple of minutes, and then the phone rang.

“ Hello?”

“ Line three, Mr. President.”

“ Hello?” “You were wondering about lunch?” It was the same voice, the one that gave him his bathroom break, and it sounded a bit annoyed. But then, the Radical Religious Right was always miffed about something.

“ We’ve got chicken salad, and tuna salad, and I didn’t want to make a move on this without first checking with my base.” “Chicken or tuna, eh?” the Radical Religious Right said, thinking it over. “ Go with the tuna.”

“ You’re sure?” asked the president.

“ Yes. Definitely. We like tuna.”

“ Tuna it is then.” The president waved to his secretary,

made a motion with his hand like a fish swimming through water. Into the phone, he said, “ I hope you’re not still miffed about the whole Harriet thing.”

“ We don’t like being left out of the loop,” the Radical Religious Right said.

“ Hey, no kidding,” the president said. “ That’s why, from here on, I won’t be making any decisions without clearing it with you guys first. You’ve got my word. I owe it to the American people, well, at least the minority of American people you represent.” The secretary re- entered the office, holding an assortment of ties, wondering which one the president wanted to wear for an afternoon appearance in the Rose Garden. The president said into the phone, “ Let’s switch to the camera phones. I’ve got something I’m gonna need your input on, but you have to see it.” They reconnected on camera phones, the president holding up the two ties so his camera could transmit a picture.

“ We like the blue stripe,” said the Radical Religious Right. The secretary slid a note to the president that read: “ God, Line 2, sounds pissed.”

“ Uh, listen,” the president said. “ I’ve got God on the other line. Would you mind if I took that?” The Radical Religious Right made a “ harrumph” noise, and said, “ And how many votes has he got?”

“ Good point,” said the president. “ So the green tie, that’s a no go, right?” Linwood Barclay’s column appears on Monday, Friday and Saturday. Email: lbarclay@thestar.ca.