Sober life brings changes that go well beyond sex
QWhen
I got sober a year ago, my
sex life with my wife went from zero to 60 — loving, caring and fun. But two months into it, she stopped cold, nothing since.
Could she have liked me better drunk? I’m still clean but I never get “ marital relations.” Clean But Unappreciated in Chicago AThis
is so not about sex. Nor was
your getting sober meant to be about sex. That was for you, for your health, and for your living outside the grip of an addiction. So congratulations on achieving getting sober, and I’m sure you ARE appreciated for that! But you and your wife are both on a new learning curve in your marriage. Things have changed, you’re different, and so the dynamic between you is now different. If the sex was zero before, then drinking was clearly a turn- off. Now you both know that you can enjoy great sex together. But something is still missing. My guess is it’s that you still relate to each other in old patterns. This is the time for an objective professional to help you learn how to reframe your relationship as equals — not as “ the drunk and his sidekick,” or whatever the past dynamic was. Your wife might also benefit from going to Al- Anon ( 1- 888- 4252666) for a better understanding of what you’ve been through. There’s no doubt that as a couple you need to see a marriage therapist. QMy
husband had an affair 30 years
ago but I just found out about it two years ago. Since then, I’ve been upset every day and think about it all the time. The affair lasted five years. He swears there was no emotional attachment on his part. There was an abortion during that time but he says it wasn’t his child. I don’t believe him because he had a vasectomy shortly after she got pregnant. I love him. If we’re going to get over this completely I have to know the truth. I have no intention of leaving him. How do I get him to be honest with me and get on with our normally good life? Shattered AThe
teachings of Jesus Christ put it
best: The truth shall set you free. This statement applies to human emotions as well as to great religious and moral questions. Relationship experts agree: When it comes to past behaviour impacting on marital trust, knowing what really happened is the route to forgiveness. Please tell your husband that love includes a generous acceptance of each other’s flaws and frailty, but it can’t thrive with deceit. You need to now know the nature and depth of the affair, why it ended, whether he suspected the child could be his, and whether you two should consider exploring that possibility. You will likely need the guidance of a therapist to open up this difficult but important conversation. Tell him that avoiding it and remaining silent brings an old affair into the present, making it an obstacle between two people who should get on with life and loving each other. QAs
we approach our second anniversary, our marriage has gone from bad to worse. My husband was seeing a woman during our engagement, and continues to meet women and carry on “ outside” relationships. He refuses to discuss this, and just looks at me like I’m crazy to raise it. Also, he has no long- term goals and can’t keep a job. I’m like the parent in the relationship and he acts like the kid. He feels he shouldn’t pay bills or be a partner. I’ve suggested counselling, but he won’t talk. I’m at the end of my rope with him and this marriage. My heart is no longer in it, and I don’t trust him. Should I stick it out or let the relationship end? Fed Up AYou
married him because . . .?
You’ll need to figure that out soon, or you might “ parent” some other loser next. But first get out, don’t just “ let” it end. You’ve been too passive and accepting in this bad relationship. For the sake of your sanity, health and selfesteem, be assertive. See a lawyer to learn your rights, and tell this immature jerk the free ride is over, this is no marriage at all. ‰ Tip of the Day: As this is Remembrance Day, let us all reflect on the importance of keeping in mind the past, and also those who worked to preserve our present in order to build a better future. Ellie appears Monday to Saturday. Email: ellie@thestar.ca. Fax: 416-8142797. www.ellie.ca.