OFF THE RACK

Tasty reads from the newsstand

* Us (Nov. 21) Cover: Julia Roberts is a good mommy and has no troubles with her husband and also the twins are super-adorable and, according to Roberts, “smell like promise.” Good to see the special Celebrity Baby Poop De-stinkifier is working as promised in the commercial. The Good: Well thank you Us magazine for telling old hags Halle Berry, Mariah Carey and Sharon Stone to stop dressing so young. Nothing more offputting than a woman over 30 not wearing a beige pantsuit and her hair in a bun. Where are we when someone over 21 is having fun? I’ll tell you where. Sodom! Gomorrah! The Bad: Poor hetero-ish Leonardo DiCaprio, who’s so depressed over the Gisele splitup that someone who saw him in Vegas noticed the actor didn’t “ talk to even one girl.” The Ugly: And speaking of men who aren’t gay, Jake Gyllenhaal is wooing some retail floozy and ignoring Kirsten. * Star (Nov. 21) Cover: Madonna and Demi dig into the Botox to stay young, while Farrah Fawcett, Meg Ryan and Jessica Lange have gone under the knife too many times. What happened to just bathing regularly in the blood of three freshly killed virgins while chanting the secret invocation to the goddess of vain? The Good: You can never be too clean, and Gwyneth, who has developed a germ phobia, has taken to scrubbing the bathtub when staying in hotels and having people wash their hands with antibacterial soap before touching Apple. The Bad: K-Fed he be chasin’ skanks/ Britney’s got them blues/ He don’t got no friggin’ job/ She don’t got no clues. The Ugly: Oh, no. Trouble in Ben- Jen land. Jen doesn’t get along with Ben’s controlling mother, who says getting knocked up was a ploy to land a husband. Yes, because she’s so un-hot she needed a baby to rope in J.Lo’s leftovers. * Celeb Living (Nov. 21) Cover: Eva Longoria has a really nice bedroom. That whole suburban-brothel-meets-agingis really working for her. The Good: Just one little trip to view starving African children and Jessica Simpson is a member of the Angelina DoGood Club. She’s completely and totally realized that all her shopping and hair and diamonds and perfect teeth and stuff are, you know, totally superficial. Epiphanies. They’re like, so right now. The Bad: Jennifer is shopping for a new home in Chicago to be closer to Fat Vince. Even though, you know, they’re not an item or anything. He’s apparently not thrilled. And speaking of obsessions: The Ugly: That Brad. He’s so preoccupied with Angelina he keeps his cellphone on during movie shoots in case she should call. Cling-ee-licious.