The hunt for weapons of mass disruption

OUTSIDE THE BOX In New York they reduced the noise, and the crime rate went down, too. By Anne Fenn

few months ago, my

boyfriend and I were

driven out of our

home by a pair of speakers that turned out to be no bigger than the size of your ears. They belonged to a parttime DJ ( whom I’ll call “ Bozo”) who specialized in techno/ rave music, which, from our perspective as upstairs neighbours, sounded like the soundtrack to Black Hawk Down. The truth is, we never actually heard the “ music” coming from his stereo, only the relentless pounding of its electronic drum machine. It is difficult to describe how offensive this domestic aural assault was without becoming offensive myself.

“ There’s no way you can hear that,” Bozo would say. “You should see the size of my speakers!” He seemed to believe that once we saw how “tiny” his speakers were, we’d just laugh, crack open a case of Coors Light, and start high- fiving each other.

I suppose that if, in the spirit of the music, we’d been tripping on ecstasy the whole time, Bozo’s boom-booms might not have bothered us. But the only raving we were doing involved unprintable expletives that gave our home the semblance of a Tourette’s Syndrome treatment centre. Eventually we were donning earplugs as soon as we walked in the door, which at least drowned out each other’s swearing. By the time we moved out, my boyfriend described himself as “traumatized.” My boyfriend plays guitar in a very loud punk- rock band for fun.

Stories like this are no doubt being repeated in variations throughout the city as you read this. Noise in Toronto is out of control. If you don’t believe me, try having a conversation in a bar — or restaurant! — on College St. West after 9 p. m. Little Italy? I call it The Shouting District. Apparently hearing loss is way cool. Soon sign language will be, too.

There are “ nice” noises — children playing, quiet conversation on a balcony at night, or the absence of Promo Girl on CBC Radio during the lockout. I’m concerned about the unanimously offensive, inhuman noises — leaf-blowers, subwoofers, car alarms, air- conditioning units, construction projects, the leaky headphones of someone sitting near you on the subway, and the myriad other high- and low- tech sounds that comprise our cacophonous urban soundscape. The urban noise problem is

Anot confined to Toronto. In October 2002, New York City’s Mayor Bloomberg announced the launch of Operation Silent Night ( OPS), a unique strategy to combat the city’s “ number one quality of life complaint” — noise. Enforcement measures included the use of sound meters, towing of vehicles, seizure of audio equipment, summonses, fines and arrests. Ayear after OPS was launched, the Big Apple’s crime rate reached its lowest level since 1968. The Mayor’s office partially credited OPS for this feat, which it said had “ proven to be an effective crime- fighting tool.” It turns out that, in the course of investigating the nearly 100,000 noise complaints the Quality of Life Hotline received that year ( loud music, air conditioning units, mufflers, construction noise, barking dogs, etc.), the authorities also uncovered thousands of other offences, resulting in over 111,000 summonses and 7,400 arrests, only a portion of which ended up being noise- related. An initiative like OPS is music to my ears. A few years ago I lived near a scary- looking thug who got at least seven parking tickets a week for the convenience of parking his dilapidated van right outside his home, on the wrong side of the street.

I noticed this only because his faulty car alarm went off virtually every night of the week. It would last just long enough to wake you up and make you very angry. I called the police a few times, but they said they could only file a noise complaint if the alarm was still going by the time the police got there, which it never was. Who knows what the police might have found if they’d been able to charge that creep? Is it presumptuous to think that a person who cares so little about driving a neighbourhood crazy — and about getting at least 364 parking tickets a year — might be engaged in other illicit behaviour? Not that most car alarms have anything to do with criminality. Am I the only person outraged by the fact that 99 per cent of car alarms go off by mistake?

I don’t know what’s more alarming, the fact that one car is allowed to assault an entire neighbourhood in the offchance that it’s being violated, or the fact that so few people with car alarms seem not to know or care how they work. And why do automobiles need to honk or beep every time they’re locked? Don’t they make enough noise already? What’s next — a car alarm that only stops if/ when your car has actually been broken into? How many women — or men over 30 — do you know with a subwoofer? I’ve seen ads for “killer” car stereo/subwoofer systems that promise you’ll “ Drive your neighbours crazy!” What, do they come with free paint- ball guns? Why are these audio assault systems even legal? How many more times do I have to be woken up by a vibrational terrorist parked outside my home at 3 a. m. before I have reasonable grounds for homicide? The same goes for home theatre/ stereo systems in shared dwellings: I don’t care how “ cute” your speakers are — with the wrong hands turning the knobs, they’re weapons of mass disruption. And now that we’re at it, why do leaf-blowers exist? What’s wrong with a rake? Or a broom? They’re actually more effective than a leaf- blower, and approximately 822,648 decibels quieter. Not since dynamite fishing in coral reefs has the world witnessed a better example of overkill. Who knew that gas and electric lawnmowers were gateway implements to the militarization of gardening? What about people who deploy these weapons on weekends at 7 a. m.? How come they’re allowed to do that? Am I the only one asking these questions? Am I the only one who can hear anymore?

It’s time to speak up about urban noise before all complaints fall on deaf ears. As we’ve seen with nuclear weapons, just because we invent something doesn’t mean we know how to control it. Just because the universe began with a Big Bang doesn’t mean it has to end with one. Anne Fenn is a Toronto screenwriter and journalist.