Man must ease off if he hopes to win woman’s heart

QI’ve

been dating a single coworker with two kids for four months. Her family doesn’t like me, nor does her ex- boyfriend, and her friends say she needs time to herself.

I fell in love with her and her kids. Suddenly, after four months, she said she needs her space, that I’m too possessive with her, and ask too many questions about what she’s doing and where she’s going and with who.

I explained that my ex- wife cheated on me, and this is my first relationship since. We still see each other in an intimate way and sometimes she throws me curve balls thinking that there’s a chance to be back together, then she backs down.

Should I stop talking to her or continue trying to win her heart back? Confused in Chicago ABack

away — no phoning,

no questions, and no sex either. That’ll create enough space for her to decide if she misses you and wants to reach out to you for something deeper beyond a quickie.

I’m guessing from the criticisms of others that you rushed her too soon. She’s a wise mother to take a step back and be sure, especially if your manner IS too possessive and it sounds that way to me.

Stop your excuses for that behaviour; no one wants to be hounded about every move they make, and with whom. It’s a signal to her of worse controls if you get closer.

Tell her in one last phone call that you respect her wishes for the time and space she needs and that you hope she’ll want to try again. Tell her that if that happens, you’ll also try to be more trusting; if you find that difficult to achieve, get counselling help. QMy

friend has a new boyfriend who says he has seasonal affective disorder ( SAD) and needs to be in a sunny place. He currently lives in another country that’s sunny and warm. He came to Canada during winter for one week and within days was depressed. One time when it rained in his country for a few days, he also became depressed. His symptoms don’t seem realistic to me. I feel he’s trying to blackmail my friend into moving to his country by claiming he’ll be sick if he lives here. Do you know anything about this illness? I’m concerned that he really has severe depression and anxiety disorder. Worried Friend AToo

much judgment here,

and not enough friendship. Since you feel qualified to diagnose depression and anxiety disorder, you should also have made yourself knowledgeable about SAD, by checking out www. cmha. ca

There ARE things that a person with this affliction can do to ease the symptoms — such as using a special therapeutic “ light box,” taking a daily noonhour walk and seeking medical help which may include medication. But leaving a sunny warm place wouldn’t be first choice treatment! Your use of the word “ blackmail” is way off- base. Unless you know for sure that he’s hiding mental health issues from her, you should keep this unkind interpretation to yourself. QI’m

42, dating a man, 45, for

one year — he’s been married twice before, has full custody of his three children, one is developmentally delayed. I have three children who live with me.

He’s kind, considerate and loves me, we date every other weekend. We tried to do things including all the children, but his children stole from mine, they lie, physically fight with each other in public, and damaged my things.

I love this man, but honestly do not like his children. I’m ambitious, moving up the corporate ladder; he gave up his career to raise his children and works in a warehouse, and gets no child support.

I don’t think it’s realistic to date 10 years until our children are grown, but there’s no way I’d blend our families. I’m having serious doubts about our relationship. Put Off AGo

with your gut on this . . .

it’s already alerting you to what will later be huge discomfort, and likely even pain.

His kids have to come first to him, and they appear more trouble than you wish to handle — physically, emotionally and even financially. He sounds like a fine guy and if you thought you could live separately for many years, he could well be worth it. But since you already feel negative, best for you and all the kids to move on.

Tip of the Day: When someone calls for “ space,” examine whether you’ve been causing the crowding. Ellie appears Monday to Saturday. Email: ellie@thestar.ca. Fax: 416-814- 2797. www.ellie.ca