Give me $50 now, and I might even vote
Everybody was pretty excited last week about the Liberal party’s we’re-getting-our-asseshandedto- us-by-Commonssolet’s- go- out- like- high- rollers blowout party. And why shouldn’t Canadians have been impressed? Short of spraying magnums of Veuve Clicquot over backbenchers while lighting cigars with Robert Bordens, Paul and Co. announced a pre- budget teaser of how he and his pals planned to spend! spend! spend! on all sorts of crazy “ please have us back” projects, things like fancy new transit system improvements, hundreds of millions of dollars for struggling farmers, and a program to curb gun violence in our fair city. But you know, in that whole mess of handouts I didn’t spot much of anything specifically earmarked for me. Or for anybody else my age. If anything, they’re taking our illegal guns away from us!
I suppose, in the abstract, I should be satisfied with seeing the needs of those truly in need frantically addressed.
But . . . yeah, I’m not. Why? It’s not greed, per se — although it is mostly greed — but it’s a special brand of somewhatacceptable greed you understand best if you have a sibling. We’ll call it “ the greed of ‘ hey, where’s mine?’ ” To illustrate: You know how your sister or brother would arrive home with mom from grocery shopping, holding a halffinished Twix in hers or his sticky hand? And you didn’t even really like Twix, but the sight of one so close, and yet so out of reach, compelled you to ask where your Twix was?
It’s like that. Except in this case, the fortunate siblings aren’t named James. They’re named Immigration and Softwood Lumber Producers and Labour Market Training. So I’m proposing a remedy to this imbalance. If the Grits want to mobilize the ever-slothful youth vote, here’s my tip: bribe us. Not in the manner of a clumsy sponsorship. I’m talking about a more suave, Ralph Klein- ish approach.
Yep, Klein. He’s the master of this game. When I was growing up in Edmonton, one of my favourite things, was how, every few months, a cheque for about $50 would arrive in the mailbox, string- attachment- free. The return address read “ The Provincial Government,” and attached to the gift was a piece of paper with an absurd explanation for its appearance, containing phrases like “ energy rebate” and “ prosperity dividend.”
It may as well have read “ New Nintendo Game” or “Flat of Beer.” The handouts, no strain on Alberta’s oily budget, were an instant route to winning a modicum of likeability for such an easily unlikeable provincial administration. A similar move could bring results for what many view as an unlikable federal party. They just need to spread out the gift- giving! Think about it this way: How quickly does an expressionless face become a sunbeam of teeth and dimples when a birthday card from relatives is opened and there’s a $25 cheque inside? It’s the unexpected gift that gives any way you desire, and it immediately endears the giver to you ( thanks Uncle Rod, Aunt Lynn — you guys are the best!). The direct payoff method would work a particular magic on us younguns because, compared to our parents and their parents, we’re poor.
Agifting move could grab some fence- sitting NDP kids, as well as a handful of bottom- line loving Conservatives. I mean, voting for values is a sweet ( endearing) idea, but when you’re paying rent (too expensive) and buying transit passes ( too cold to ride bike), racking up a heating bill ( tundra) and buying presents for the holidays, a few immediate extra dollars in the pocket goes a long way to winning fickle, feigned support.
Opposition parties aren’t going to be happy about the idea, but then, it’s just one more glove slap to their faces before you break for the campaign rumble.
Conservative leader Stephen Harper, in particular, will don a trademark frown upon hearing the news. During Question Period last Wednesday, Harper was accusing Martin’s government of unaccountably announcing new spending at an average of $ 1 billion a day. $ 1 billion! That’s how much we could get?
Let’s break this down. Roughly a third of the country is youth, according to Statistics Canada. Say 10 million or so. A one- time federal election payoff of $50 each would put the tab for this initiative at $500 million. And that’s only half of a one-day spending promise! So c’mon, Paul, you can’t ignore this plan. This scheme works for King Ralph, and he’s a homeless- berating autocrat with a taste for spirits . . . who will rule Alberta until the day it secedes from Canada. Do the right thing — tomorrow, instead of announcing that you are funnelling more cash into, I don’t know, health care, you announce that half of Wednesday’s billion goes to the kids. Or maybe you can’t do that any more, because of the whole nonconfidence thing.
That’s too bad. I really had my eye on Shadow of the Collossus for PS2.
I guess I’ll just have to wait to tally up the bribes being offered in the campaign. Because I’m still craving that Twix. Reach José Lourenço at urban.iliad@gmail.com.