Mom’s nervous, so take it slow in step-dad role
QThe
woman whom I’ve
been dating for 18 months, loves her son, aged 7, above all else. I have no children, but have grown to love her son as though he’s mine. Yet sometimes she gets in moods like it’s her and her son “ against the world” — like if I’m trying to teach him something, she steps in like I’m hurting him. Or if I give her a suggestion she’ll remark, “ Aren’t you the smart one!” The worst part is that she constantly tells me she wants me to be a part of his life and would want me to be like a father to him but when I am, she shoots me down. It hurts like crazy and I have told her that many times. I feel as though there are limitations as to what I can do with him or how I would like to see him grow. I don’t want to control him but I do want to steer him in the right direction. It hurts when I do make that attempt because his mother isn’t behind me 100 per cent even though she says she wants to be. Discouraged in Chicago A
Mama Bear sounds like
she’s over-protective, but then, that’s her job, at least until she has total comfort with you in the fatherly role. This isn’t about who’s right or wrong; it’s about a transition you both have to go through. You didn’t get to grow into fatherhood along with this boy, nor have the chance to develop child- rearing practices with his mom. So you need to go slowly, learn how they handle things, first. The good thing is that he’s so young, and there’s plenty of time ahead for guiding him. Meanwhile, mom needs to let go a bit and trust you more, if she wants your relationship to last. So tell her to start talking to you about her expectations, ahead, rather than criticize later. Tell her you both have new roles to negotiate — if she wants a step- father for her son, she’s going to have to learn to be a partner with you. QI’m
a woman, 30, married
for five years with two young children and reconnected with an old flame. Throughout high school and college I was attracted to African Canadian men, and dated them almost exclusively. My parents ( especially my father) severely disapproved, said I was immature and bringing shame to our family. So after an amazing couple of years during college ( secret from my family), I ended my extremely physical relationship with my African Canadian boyfriend, and found a pleasant man who “ fit in” with the family.
I love my husband, but am not excited like I was by my ex, with whom I had a chance meeting recently. Our connection was instantaneous ( physically, emotionally, and sexually) and I’m now doubting why I ever left him. We’re together a couple of times a week now, so I feel guilty toward my husband and family. Yet I’m getting personal satisfaction that has been dearly missed throughout my marriage.
Ellie, I know all the responses about ruining my family, and trying harder with my husband, but I feel I was pressured to marry a (white, upper-class) man, the kind I’ve never been physically/ sexually attracted to. What should I do? Secret Love ARun
. . . to an individual
therapist. It’s the only fair move for you to do on behalf of your lover, your husband, your kids and yourself. There’s nothing wrong in my books with loving someone of a different race or ethnicity but there IS something wrong if your motivation and excitement comes mainly from defying your family and upbringing. Only you can decide if this is so in your case. You may find that it was an original reason for dating people of whom your father disapproved, but no longer applies to this man you still love. Whatever the answer, you need to find out. Remember, balanced against your “ personal satisfaction” will be the turmoil that marriage breakup ( no matter the reason) always brings to children. Add to that your parents’ negative, racist attitudes, and you’ll have a lot to contend with, for which you need self-knowledge, conviction and courage. ‰ In Toronto, individual therapists are listed in the Yellow Pages, under Marriage Family and Individual Counsellors. It often takes at least two sessions to learn if you’ve found a therapist who’s the right “ fit” for you. ‰ Tip of the Day: Becoming a step- parent in more than name involves a slow, thoughtful process. Ellie appears Monday to Saturday. Email: ellie@thestar.ca. Fax: 416-814- 2797. Web: www.ellie.ca.