Scribble your way to joy
You learn early in life, perhaps around age 12, the importance of the Christmas gift list.
Because without a point-bypoint road map of your holiday wishes, parents blunder. This is fact. If you want a Red Ryder carbine- action 200- shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, you have to make perfectly clear that this, and no other gift, will do.
I say this not to accuse, or cheapen the spirit of giving, but to assist. We are in the prime weeks of the shopping season, and the givers of gifts, often moreso than the receivers, are excited about surprising and pleasing their loved ones with a thoughtful present. And to those who insist the thought alone is what counts, well, partly, yes — thoughts, like unicorns, are lovely things. But they are perhaps most appreciated when the gifty form they take is not quickly relegated to the back of a closet for two years before being relegated to the curb during the hooded parka time of night. Hence the simple beauty of the Santa list. It’s a magical thing when you are a child, because a simple printed request, coupled with extra- good behaviour, can make at least one of your desired items appear. When you get to the age when you may feel writing to Santa is a child’s pastime, look at yourself in the mirror and slap your cheeks quickly, once each, in the manner of a French gentleman challenging to a duel the man who cuckolded him. Even if you don’t mean for your Santa list to actually make its way to Santa’s Workshop at the North Pole, write one anyway. It will find grateful hands in your parents’ mittens. Consider the gift possibilities if you don’t:
“ HILARIOUS” GIFT FROM DAD
AWelsh inventor named Howard Stapleton has created a device called the Mosquito that emits a high-pitched painful whine audible only to people under 30. It is meant to be used outside convenience stores to discourage hanging out and in department stores to discourage shoplifting. Raise your hand if you can picture unwrapping this gift followed by a big laugh from dad and a variation on the phrase: “ Now you know how I feel when you play your music!” You may now lower your hand to wipe away the depressing tears of recognition.
OBSOLETE VERSION GIFT
Surprise! It’s an N64! Or a PlayStation! See, these ones are tricky. Although they mean well, rare is the parent who tracks tech toy developments, so you have to guide them with exact details. PlayStation 2 is what they need to go for. Chant it at them: 2, 2, 2 . . . And the truly savvy will provide exact names of games, because progression isn’t always clear: Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland ( released October 2005) doesn’t sound as advanced as Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3 ( October 2001) to the untrained ear. And shoot, specify the non child-locked one. What’s PS2 for if not The Warriors?
NOVELTY HOLIDAY GIFT
Anyone who doesn’t love A Charlie Brown Christmas
has either not seen it or is a liar. Urban Outfitters has capitalized on our collective nostalgia once again with a pretty perfect replica of Charlie’s iconic spindly tree, which is momentarily cool. But seriously, what are you going to do with it after Christmas Day? The card attached may as well say “ put me in the garage.” And besides, wasn’t that sad little tree a symbol of Charlie’s rebellion against the crass commercialization of the holiday? The irony is not lost on anyone.
“ SOMETHING FOR YOUR COLLECTION” GIFT
You were playing with fire when you began that collection of crystal ponies. Be prepared to suffer items that you, collector, would never purchase for yourself. Or worse — doubles of what you already own. I was down with Transformers when I was 10, but I never quite figured out which of my Optimus Primes was the good twin and which was evil.
IKNOW YOU SO WELL GIFT
It’s not that your parents don’t know what you would enjoy so much as it is they know what you would have enjoyed three years ago. This is natural. You will forever be a child in your parents’ eyes. A child who loves Star Trek
novels. Or whatever it was you were briefly obsessed with, once. Correct them early — a shelf full of unread books is as disheartening as the Charlie Brown tree crammed behind a pile of winter tires.
Anyways, none of this is to say us kids aren’t that innocent on gift trip- ups. How many ties and Christmas tree ornaments can mom and dad unwrap? When you hand over your list, it might not be such a bad idea to ask them for what they’d like, too. Reach José Lourenço at urban.iliad@gmail.com.