A question of thighs

QI’m

dating a girl who’s beautiful in

my eyes and very attractive. She believes that she should get liposuction on her thighs. She’s currently heavily in debt and this procedure will cost her at least $ 4,000. Though I tell her she’s beautiful and doesn’t need the operation, she insists she’s doing it for me as well as for her. Am I missing something here, and how should I react? Puzzled AYou’re

not getting it — this issue is

far more than thigh deep. Here are her messages, decoded: 1) I’m insecure about myself; 2) I need to do this to hold onto a man; 3) I can do what I want with my money so don’t tell me otherwise. Since you’re at the dating stage, it’s time to ask yourself some hard questions: 1) Do you have the staying power to deal with her insecurities, when, after the liposuction, it’s a breast enlargement or whatever she keeps thinking she needs? 2) Can you two ever communicate about money enough to share household expenses, or will her reckless attitude about debt be a major problem? If you can answer these questions with long-term love, commitment, and tolerance for her flaws, the correct reaction is to buy her a stuffed animal to hug in the hospital, and wish her well for the procedure . . . because she’s going for it. QI’m

17, and work with this guy I

like; we’ve tried to make plans to go out but things never work out. My two other guy friends say he’s only going out with me to get respect in the kitchen. They’ve both lied to me before so I won’t date anyone. Should I believe them? A couple of days ago, me and this guy I like kissed. I don’t know what it meant to him. What do I do? Used? ADo

your kissing and your dating

outside of the kitchen where you work; there are too many cooks in this gossip stew. QWhen

I married, my husband’s

parents and other family were allowed to stay at my home when they came from Europe. But it’s lasted for years. We’ve had children, yet these relatives never helped to pay for our house expenses or groceries, never cleaned, etc. Basically, I was a servant. My motherin- law told her husband back home she needed to stay to babysit, but instead, she talked on the phone all day, had boyfriends, entertained friends, and tried to turn us against each other. Family came and went as they pleased. Finally, after five years, when I caught her on tape telling my husband to lie to me about giving her money behind my back, I kicked her out of my home. My husband is the eldest and we have to help his family financially even though they’re well off and can go to work like me. My husband continues to lie to me about his plans with his family, and pays more attention to his friends and drinking. That is how he was raised. I want him to pay attention to me and my children. He doesn’t care that the children see him drunk at every party. Everything is about him and how he wants it. I asked him to go to counselling and he refuses. No life AGet

to counselling on your own,

fast. You’re veering between depression and rage, and neither is going to help you deal with this situation, unless you talk to a professional therapist who’ll guide you through these feelings to a plan of action. Your husband’s cultural background and upbringing was known to you when you married, but that was when you were young, loving and eager to please. But all has clearly changed, through his family impositions plus his distance, your hard work and growing assertiveness. Once you clear your head and look at different options, you’ll be able to choose what you can handle: perhaps you’ll make a stand about the limits you two can negotiate regarding these matters; perhaps, you’ll tell him you can’t stay together under these current conditions. Whatever your path, you need to make your decisions from strength, not despair or fury. ‰ In Toronto, you can get referral for counselling through a community agency by calling 211; an operator will tell you which agencies are in your area and which offer services free or geared to income. ‰ Tip of the Day: You can’t argue someone out of her insecurities; you can only show love and support. Ellie appears Monday to Saturday. Email: ellie@thestar.ca. Fax: 416-8142797. www.ellie.ca.