The etiquette of a marriage proposal, online and off
Proposing is not an easy thing. A man (or woman) puts himself out there, declaring his (or her) love and devotion and desire to spend eternity with that special someone. Add to that the ease with which one can misstep, offend or break a crucial rule and t
LEANNE PEPPER, etiquette and proto
col consultant What do you think of all of these Youtube proposals? People are really doing some bizarre things right now. You know, this is a special moment: make it special. And think about what you’re going to do ahead of time. It’s a moment that you’ll never forget — I’ll never forget how my husband did it — and it’s a turning point. It’s a commitment, so make the time and effort and make it special. How can a person know when it’s a good idea to make a public proposal? I don’t think it’s a good idea. You’re setting yourself up to be totally embarrassed, so why would you even go there? It’s not a good idea ever? It’s something that is private. This is going to hopefully be your partner for life and who knows what’s going to happen? What if they say no? There’s always that chance. It’s a personal thing and it shouldn’t be broadcast. That’s something you can do after — you can announce, that’s what people do. How does one delicately decline a proposal? Is there a way? You could just say, “This isn’t the right time, thank you.” That could be a gentle way out of it. So essentially, make a polite excuse or give a polite reason and then say thank you. I don’t think you need to get into any details. It depends on the response from that person. If they’re devastated, you might want to get a little bit more specific to justify your reasons. KAREN CLEVELAND, writer of the etiquette column Finishing School (@school finishing); by day she’s head of marketing at St. Joseph Media How much should a woman expect a man to spend on a ring? I balk at the question. Standard according to whom? Exactly. Does a standard even exist? I have dusty copy of Emily Post’s Etiquette from 1922 and she actually makes a joke, straight up, on how only in the movies can you expect a man to propose and magically pull out a diamond solitaire from his pocket. I don’t know how this became the norm. I don’t subscribe to salary parameters at all and I think an engagement can be marked by any lovely ring regardless of the stone or the setting, and in fact by no ring at all. How does one delicately decline a proposal? People do decline proposals, don’t they? Which is ironic given that uber-public proposals are very en vogue right now. But I guess the best place to begin to answer that is, how would you want your heart broken? You’re going to want the person to be honest and candid and delicate and gentle. Depending on how that plays out, then it could be not only the end of an engagement, but the end of a relationship. Should a man or woman ask permission from parents before asking? It’s a really slow fading tradition, isn’t it? I don’t think there’s any right answer. For some people the gesture has the lingerings of a property exchange but then for other people it’s actually a really lovely gesture. It’s a matter of bringing the family into the loop and letting the parents know your intentions. But I think it’s important that the person you’re asking to marry know your intentions before the parents do. CHRISTOPHER ROULEAU, graphic designer and typographer behind the common-sense etiquette movement, the Toronto Etiquette Project Is proposing in public ever a good idea? It has to be congruent with your relationship. If they’re an introvert, it’s probably a bad idea to do it in public, but if you’re kind of outgoing people who really like sharing your social life, then that’s great. When is it appropriate for a woman to let her fiancée know she doesn’t like the ring he’s chosen? I think in the interest of openness and honesty she should be able to speak and be honest about how she feels about the ring. Sometimes people go look at rings together and hopefully they’ll be on the same page (when the question comes). How does one delicately decline a proposal? I think you have to be honest. It’s your life you’re talking about, so if it’s not going to work I think that needs to be established right at the beginning. That’s when you hope that it’s not in public, because that could be a nightmare. I also like to think if a proposal’s going to happen there’s a certain amount of predictability. These full-on shock proposals, I feel so bad for the one who’s being proposed to. Are there any no-nos in the proposal process? The only thing I can think of is if it is a public thing: don’t make a scene out of it. Don’t make a spectacle out of it, because if you’re saying no it’s probably crushing the proposer. I’m suddenly very biased against the public proposal.