Ten tips to help bluff your way through the Super Bowl
Embrace it, say ‘Boink’ and drink lots of water
It’s a classic scenario: You, an avowed football anti-fan, find yourself in the unenviable yet inevitable position of attending a Super Bowl party on Sunday.
Normally, you feign sickness, invent work, run for the hills — anything to keep you far away from the 60-inch plasma screen featuring men in tight, colourful spandex bashing each other senseless.
But this time is different. This time you can bluff your way through the game. Here’s how: 1. Embrace it. You know that adage that says accept the things you can’t change and asks for the courage to change the things you can? This is in the former category. The Super Bowl is happening, you will be watching it. Let’s move on.
2. Drink water. Staying hydrated is key to staying alert. More impor- tantly, it means you can take pee breaks when the game gets boring. 3. Go jogging. Exercise gets your adrenalin going — the more adren- alin you display, the more you’ll fit in. Popular demonstrations of enthusiasm include yelling at the television, pumping arms in the air, pounding beers, cheering with others, crying in despair and punching inanimate objects. By no means is this list exhaustive. 4. Be like John Madden. At some point you’ll have to say something to communicate your interest. Look to Madden, a commentator, who says things like “Boom! Whack! Boink!” Or look to Adam West’s version of Batman. 5. Prepare some grub. The Super Bowl party, like many religious parties, requires copious amounts of food. Think shades of orange and white. Chicken wings, pizza, chips, and nachos are all popular. Do not consider green and leafy. 6. Use nicknames. For example, the Patriots are the Pats, or Patsies, because they lost their last Super Bowl game against the Giants. Call the Giants, G-men or Big Blue, and you’re good for a quarter.
7. Assemble trivia. Don’t focus on the numbers — some jerk in your party will have those memorized — hone in on personal details: Giants quarterback Eli Manning’s favourite show is Seinfeld, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s is Dexter. Manning likes the band Boston; Brady, U2.
8. Keep your smartphone handy. When the commentator says something you don’t know — spike, squib or blitz and cover-2 — look it up. Be discreet.
9. Do not ask questions. When watching the game every question is a dumb question. Refer to rule No. 8 when in doubt.
10. Finally, don’t offer consolations. Under no circumstances say, “It’s just a game.”
It’s not. It’s the Super Bowl.