Plotting revenge on an ex keeps you tied to him
Q: I’m 31, and my boyfriend of one year was mostly demeaning and sullen, except when he wanted something. But I liked the physical companionship and having someone to hang out with. The last straw came when he went out of town with an ex-girlfriend the weekend of my birthday. I blocked him from my phone and email and have no intention of speaking to him again. But I don’t understand why I stayed that long. I know I’m smart, attractive and independent, with plenty of hobbies and a busy job. However, I’ve never been attracted to a man who wants me — I want men who are a challenge. I’m angry at my ex and at myself. All I can think of is how I can make him feel as badly as I do. Back At Him! A: Plotting revenge, even if only imaginary, just keeps you attached emotionally. It also confirms your pattern of going for the negative: a bad boy who doesn’t want you; now that it’s over, you want to get back at him rather than move on. You need some positive thinking about yourself. Knowing you’ve got all the good stuff clearly isn’t enough. You need to believe it, and stop settling for anyone who doesn’t see, respect and celebrate all that’s wonderful about you. Maybe there were put-downs and no encouragement in your childhood. Therapy will help you. Q: My mother-in-law, 75, makes no effort to include us in her life. The onus is on us to invite her here or make arrangements to get together. She won’t drive in the dark or if there’s a chance of rain or snow. She lives almost a half-hour away so it’s not convenient for us to pick her up and take her back home, which we’ve done occasionally. She rarely calls unless she needs us to do something for her. Dinner invitations dropped off to two per year. She has no health problems and cooks good meals for herself but won’t even get barbecued chicken when she has us over.
She treats us to dinner out once a year. She has few friends, no hobbies or activities. Her husband died two years ago. They were somewhat hands-off grandparents.
She’s a very nice woman, not difficult to get along with. We try to see her every three weeks — always a reminder that we’re the ones going out of our way for her.
It’s caused us tension. My husband won’t discuss this with her. How do I deal with my growing anger and resentment? Annoyed A: Remember your complaints when you’re 75 — because you sure don’t get it now. The fact is, people that age change, especially when they’ve lost a partner.
Your mother-in-law has no life to include you. Having been hands off before, she’s become more withdrawn, more isolated and needs her son and you to stay involved.
Out of self-interest about what’s inconvenient (driving a half-hour, both ways) you’ve missed the point that she’s not seeing friends or having dinners for others. The clear message is that she has less energy and interest for socializing, and is very possibly depressed. Even buying prepared food and serving it seems like too much.
Yet she’s still “a nice woman” and your family.
Pay more attention to her, suggest she get checked for depression, and help make her life feel more enjoyable.