Break from this low-level player

Q: My boyfriend of three years goes out with friends on occasion and gets other women’s phone numbers. I’ve learned that when he talks to them he doesn’t say he has a girlfriend.

I also recently found that he has an online account with a dating/ sex site. I found a file of pictures downloaded and erased. He admitted he was getting pictures from another woman since last year. He says it’s only about getting photos. But I feel that he’s lying to me and that he hasn’t told her about me.

I feel that he doesn’t respect me or care about the relationship. I’ve asked him if there’s something he’s not happy or satisfied with. He’s always said no.

Confused

A: Stop asking if he’s unhappy and focus on the fact that you should not be satisfied with this guy. He’s a low-level player, and he’s behaving like a cheater-in-training. He still needs/wants lots of female attention beyond yours, but is holding on to you for security and comfort.

Take a break and tell him you don’t want to see him again until he’s finished shopping elsewhere. Count yourself lucky if he’s out for good, because even a promise of change can’t be trusted for certain.

Q: When my husband and I were dating, I lied to him about something in order to get attention. I was going through a lot then (anorexia, alcohol abuse). I saw the hurt I was creating in our relationship, didn’t want to lose him, and got help through a counsellor.

Fast-forward three years — we’re married, travelling, working and generally have a very happy relationship, with mutual respect. We love each other very much.

I couldn’t live with the guilt of my lie, and I recently told him the truth. Now he’s saying that he loves me but that the lie had caused him so much angst and hurt that he doesn’t know if he can trust me. I apologized, and asked what I could do to help him move past this.

He wants to speak with a counsellor to get help dealing with the betrayal of trust and how the lie made him feel. I’m worried that our marriage is ending.

What if he cannot move past this? It wasn’t a lie about cheating, just a foolish, non-intimate action that did involve another man. But it made him look at me differently.

Lost

A: The fact that the lie involved another man — even though there was no intimacy — hurt him deeply. And now he has to accept that it didn’t happen at all. He feels foolish, embarrassed at the pain he felt at that time, when all along you knew it was unnecessary. He’s mortified, and that makes him untrusting now.

He needs/deserves more than an apology. Ask to go to some therapy sessions with him, and work very hard to convey your understanding of how he feels. You were troubled back then, but he’s troubled today. Stop explaining yourself and show him the compassion he needs to get past this.