Escape-route lovers rarely last as partners
Q: I’m in love with a woman who’s leaving her husband for me. We met at the gym, she looked unhappy and we started talking. She said their marriage was a mistake, she’d been very depressed but with my help she had the strength to start a new life with me. I worry that if she can leave him, she can do it again and leave me. How will I trust her?
Uncertain Future
A: This was the reality check you might have done when you began an affair with a married woman.
While it does happen sometimes that the person “used” as the escape route from an unhappy marriage becomes the longtime partner, it’s more common that such transitional relationships do not last.
Will she cheat again? Unknown. What is certain is her capacity to find a way to move on when she chooses.
Hopefully you know her character and the true story: whether she tried couples’ counselling, worked at her marriage, gave it a decent chance. However, your doubts about her suggest you should now take this new relationship slowly.
My parents live several hours away and have no children in the city where they live. Recently, my father went to the hospital for major surgery and my mother isn’t well.
However, when my brother and I take time off work to help her, she mostly yells about the past, her annoyance with Dad and other things we can’t change.
It’s hard to be around her or help her. I’ve told her that when she starts yelling I’m going outside until she’s calmer. I’ve already punched and scratched myself because I was so frustrated.
To be yelled at for hours straight is difficult physically and emotionally. She then claims I am being unfair and shouldn’t put conditions on my helping her.
I’m willing to take a month or two off work and lose money (I’m selfemployed) to be around because she has trouble bending and can’t drive. But I can’t deal with her yelling non-stop, saying it’s her house so we have to listen to her!
We’re concerned for both parents. If I could stay at a friend’s house, I would, but I can’t afford a hotel for a long period.
I know she’ll refuse counselling. I’m also worried that her constant nagging and yelling will affect my dad’s condition.
What’s the best way to make this tolerable for all of us?
No New Tricks
A: Punching and scratching yourself is a dangerous signal that the next unwell person could be you suffering an emotional breakdown. Take a break from this dynamic any way you can. Go home for a few days while your brother stays or check into a hotel for a weekend off duty. You may even ask at the hospital if there’s any provision for family counselling, starting with yourself. Next, approach your mother on her health front. Show concern for the effect on her of sudden change and terrifying anxiety. Likely her yelling is a cry for help because she is feeling helpless.
Insist that she get a physical checkup, and then ask her doctor (or your father’s doctor) to recommend a hospital social worker or counsellor who can help her make clear plans for her and her husband’s future care.
When the situation turns to your parents’ future, the yelling will either lessen or you’ll eventually have to leave for self-protection. You and your brother could share the expense for her to have help.
TIP OF THE DAY
Transitional relationships begin with complications that often create difficulties and/or doubts. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca and chat with her Wednesdays at noon at thestar.com/ elliechat.