Form front against her mom
Q: I’m engaged to a woman I love, but whose mother is already so intrusive that I’m worried about our future. We’re both in our mid-30s, both work and plan to buy a house together, which we can manage on our own finances.
But my future mother-in-law pushes her opinions on our every decision — which neighbourhood we’ll move to, which style house, how we’ll furnish it, etc. She’s even pressuring for a larger house with a basement apartment. She’s convinced her daughter that it’s a good idea that we rent out this apartment at first. When we have kids her parents can move in and babysit. My fiancée’s a strong-minded woman at work and socially, but not with her mother who relentlessly campaigns to get her way.
I believe that having my in-laws in the basement will be the end of our independence and happiness. Do I just cancel the wedding now, or give her an ultimatum: no MIL in our home or no marriage.
Fearing the Future
A: Delay the wedding long enough to get premarital counselling together, and start agreeing to some limits on her mother’s involvement in your married life.
You’re correct to be worried. If your fiancée caves now to her mom’s every suggestion, it’ll get worse later when your MIL already has a foot in your door, and a busy young wife (and later young mother) finds “free” help irresistible, despite the emotional cost.
If you don’t agree on the potential pitfalls now and learn strategies to manage her mother without each confrontation dividing you two, the script is already written for major fights and perhaps even a separation.
Tell your fiancée you love her and wish to marry her, but to preserve that love you two need to acknowledge and face this problem now.
Q: My husband cheated on me three years ago when I was pregnant with our twins. I was huge and uncomfortable so sex wasn’t possible or of interest to me. But I am hurt and angry that I went through so much to start our family and he just fooled around. I can’t get past this. He’s apologized, said he was wrong and immature, scared of all that was going on. But doesn’t that mean that any stress can be an excuse to cheat again?
Unforgiving
A: While it’s hard to forgive and forget, consider your options: 1) A divided union with anger and coldness on your part, which practically guarantees a self-fulfilling prophecy that he will cheat again; 2) a breakup; 3) an attempt to work together on getting past this.
He’s moved in the right direction with an apology and recognition of his own immaturity. Take it to the next step, by airing out those feelings you both had during the pregnancy. You, overwhelmed by the physical and emotional impact of carrying twins, felt abandoned by the man whose children you were carrying. He, facing huge responsibilities ahead and without the intimacy he needed for reassurance, also felt abandoned.
If you can both appreciate each other’s hurts and fears of that time, you should be able to start reconnecting. You both need to work on intimacy together now — and that includes sharing your concerns and confidences, as well as cuddling and comforting each other.
TIP OF THE DAY
Set agreed limits on an already-intrusive in-law before the marriage.