OFF THE RACK
Watching the the fall of the Kingdom of Kardashia
STAR
Cover: Trouble in paradise for the second-most-intolerable Kardashian. Khloé’s struggling to get pregnant and he’s out of town, seeing a stripper who’s a “Khloé look-alike.” As a post-peeler excuse, “I thought that was you, my wife, hanging from that pole in Washington, D.C.” is a bit thin. This week in hookups: Rihanna uses Ashton Kutcher for sex, which seems like the most sensible use for him. Less sensible: Tim Tebow flirting with Dianna Agron. It’ll never work, because he’s on the East Coast now, plus he’s a Leo, and she’s Jewish. This week in breakups: Kristen Wiig and the Strokes’ drummer split, after four months. He’s a recurring character who doesn’t overstay his welcome, hint hint, Kristen. This week in critters: Tim Mcgraw feeds a kangaroo and a lucky dog gets to bite Katherine Heigl.
OK!
Cover: Kris Humphries’ old-andmaybe-new GF is a Toronto girl and folks here have never been prouder. Meanwhile his ex Kim Kardashian “has kept a fairly low profile,” in the biggest lie OK! has ever constructed. This week in babies: Prince William and Kate (that’s Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge to you) are adopting! Right? Er, very last line of story: “As long as they do have at least two heirs to the throne first, the queen would likely give her blessing.” Kirstie Alley will run with the bulls of Pamplona before this happens. Also Jennifer Aniston will have a child soon of course, and Teen Mom 2 Jenelle’s expecting twins! Yes, they’re breast implants, but she’s excited. Nightmare-inducing photos: Pregnant Jessica Simpson, now a shambling blond mountain; Nicki Minaj’s Oompa-loompa wig.
ENQUIRER
Cover: No Kardashians here! Enquirer has grimmer news: in her final hours Whitney Houston called friends who might have saved her, including a man named Raffles van Exel. Definitely my next dog’s name. News inside: John Edwards’ mistress is furious (and, somehow, surprised) that he was allegedly seeing hookers while dating her. Veteran actor Jack Wagner has discovered a daughter he never knew about, and she’s a shoplifter who won’t stop stripping despite his pleas. And Trayvon Martin’s killer has a violent history. We change our minds, bring back the stupid Kardashians. The final indignity: The Enquirer’s touting its ipad app. Man, how is it that I still don’t have an ipad and even Enquirer readers do?