This isn’t rejection, it’s a lucky break
Q: I’ve been obsessed with a work colleague who also seemed interested in me. I believed he was unattached.
Recently, we spent our first real time together. He’d smiled and winked at me, as usual. So I invited him to lunch — that’s when he confessed that he’s married and the father of two kids. His close friend confirmed this.
I was shocked! For a whole year, he’d flirted and behaved as a single guy would. I feel betrayed.
Now I’ve seen him flirting with someone else and I hear they’ve started a full-on fling. Did he just not want me and lied or was I taken for a fool?
Hurt
A: You’re the lucky one, and when you get past this jerk’s shabby behaviour, you’ll be grateful you’re not involved with him.
Whatever game he’s playing, he let you out of it. Perhaps during your conversation, he recognized someone genuine and honest, unlike himself. So he let you know he’s trouble, by saying he’s married.
The new woman either doesn’t care if a guy’s cheating on his wife or he respects her less and hasn’t warned her about his own careless style.
Instead of seeing this as a rejection, consider it a release from your crush. It was based on a false impression he created. He’s not a nice person. Move on.
Q: My best friend’s been with her boyfriend for six months. She’s 16, he’s 23. Their whole relationship seemed shady to me, since she’s a junior in high school and he has already graduated college. But she was happy so I was happy for her.
My problem is that she sneaks out at night. She lies to her mom, saying she’s sleeping over at my house. Then she drives to another city to be with him the whole night.
She’s blown off many plans we’ve had together to be with him and his friends. It’s her life and her decisions, but she’s affecting my life by saying she’s with me. I don’t want to get blamed or involved when she’s caught.
I’m also worried that she might get into a situation in which she and her family suffer. I’ve talked to her about this but she’ll cry and mention all the stuff she’s done for me, that I owe her. She’s promised me repeatedly that she won’t do it again, but she still sneaks out.
Should I tell her mom, or mind my own business? Caught in the Middle A: Get out of this dangerous deception. Alert your friend, as someone who cares more about her well-being than this boyfriend does, that you must tell her parents of the risks she’s taking with her life and her future — unless she assures you she’s not sneaking around any more or staying out all night.
At the very least, she cannot use you again as her excuse. Her parents (and yours) will view it as dishonest of you to have permitted it and not made every effort to get her to stop.
She’s very young and clearly besotted by all the attention from an older guy. She needs a reality check, starting with your mature insistence that she not rely on you any more.
She may cry, yell and stop talking to you. But eventually she’ll understand what you did for her.
Warn her firmly that you’ll expose the truth. If nothing changes, tell your own parents, and ask them to go with you to alert hers.
TIP OF THE DAY
When an obvious player moves on, be grateful that you can, too. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca and chat with her Wednesdays at noon at thestar.com/ elliechat