OFF THE RACK

Where Kim and Kanye want to marry Oprah and Jen

STAR

Cover: Poor, sad Jennifer is finally getting married. Pheew. We can all sleep better knowing that another millionaire superstar will finally become a wife. Sadly, she will have to walk down the aisle wearing some big sack-like, ungainly piece of dress as she’s all kinds of totally pregnant. On the upside, she’s getting married in a "secret location" so no one will see. Oh, wait. Her cousin just revealed it’ll be in Crete. Well, there’s one less person who’ll be invited. This week in sneaky plots: Concerned Jennifer and that guy she’s marrying in Crete and their maybereal spawn would get all the attention, Angie decided to tell Brad she cheated on him with some unnamed ex eight years ago. Sadly, she only got a tiny, little story out of it. Right now she’s kicking something with her perfect foot. Better luck next time.

US

Cover: I’m not sure how the KimKanye (Kinye? Kam? Kanyeim?) thing works? Do they take turns looking in the mirror? Do they look in the mirror at the same time? Do they do so in side-by-side mirrors? Do they share a mirror? Or would sharing a mirror interfere with their special me-me-me time? (Estimated at five hours and 32 minutes a day.) So many questions, but Westdashian can’t hear them from inside their special house made of dead minks, the leather seats from luxury cars and diamond-encrusted shoes. This week in changes: Christina Aguilera is reportedly planning a "big hair change." We can only guess what it may be, but I’m leaning towards 1) A nice, short lice cut. 2) Orange dye. 3) A bucket of snakes. 4) One of Cher’s old wigs. 5) Finding out what her actual hair colour is.

ENQUIRER

Cover: Oprah is finally getting married to Stedman and it’s all in order to save her unpopular network. Apparently televising her nuptials will immediately make viewers want to watch endless programs on selfimprovement, spiritual awakenings and loving yourself more than you love cake. It’s a really good plan and it’s sure to work and she will only have to pay Stedman $100 million. This week in Angie’s special addiction: We already know she’s addicted to drugs, child-hoarding, not eating and cackling whenever Jennifer doesn’t quite make it to the altar, but now it’s revealed that she’s also addicted to her not-husband. Yes, Brad is “physically addictive” and “her world would crumble” if he left, according to experts and sources.

Malene Arpe