Virgin has choice to make
Q: I’m 30, living with my widowed mother. She is in her early 60s, lonely and has only a few friends. My brother moved out so I’m all she’s got.
I met a man who’s very nice; he has a good job and is independent. However, my mother disapproves of him for me because he doesn’t have a big income or any prospects due to limited education.
We’ve been spending time together and he now wants me to spend the night at his place. I’m not comfortable with this due to my religious beliefs. I always wanted to be a virgin when I marry.
My mother’s been very harsh. She’s even threatened becoming estranged if I don’t obey her wishes. I feel a lot of pressure from both of them. I’m worried about her being alone, and also worried that she’s right that he’s not a good man for me. Torn A: It’s your life and you need to gain some control over it. You must decide about this man from your own experiences with him and over more time. You shouldn’t agree to premarital sex under pressure.
Explain that it’s not the way to win your trust. You need time to get to know each other better and you need some assurance of a future together — those are your standards. If he’s not interested, stop seeing him.
But tell your mother this is not her decision to make. She’s hanging on to you out of fear of being alone. You may have to move out on your own if she keeps using threats to control you.
Work toward greater independence. You’ll keep close contact and help her, if she lets you, but you don’t owe her your life. Unless she’s unstable, very ill or immobilized, the early 60s are not a frail and helpless time of life. Q: My friend had a mental breakdown as a result of being hacked and bullied online. She’s experienced hallucinations, depression, emotional ups and downs, and paranoia.
Even before this occurred, she had low self-esteem and emotional sensitivity. She was hospitalized and assigned a public psychiatrist, of whom she was suspicious as well. Nevertheless, she’s taking some medications.
It’s been a year since the online incident happened. However, she is still seeing and hearing things that she insists are real. Her family (who live with her) deny hearing or seeing these things. She lives far from me so I can’t verify what’s true. Yet I’ve found she’s somewhat capable of differentiating fact from fiction so it’s hard for me to sift through what she’s telling me.
She feels she’s being targeted specifically and now fears the same thing will happen again because it’s the same time of the year. She says she’s experiencing some sort of hacking again (after changing her computer two or three times). I don’t know how to advise her.
She feels trapped and she’s crying out to me for help, but I don’t know what to do! Lost A: Of course you don’t know what to do, but you shouldn’t be hard on yourself. Your friend is dealing with mental health issues that require ongoing therapy from professionals. Lay people — her family and caring friends like you — must be supportive, stay in contact and get her to hospital and/or professional help quickly if you fear things are getting worse or that she is a danger to herself or anyone else. Listen to her with compassion, but stop trying to advise.
TIP OF THE DAY When you feel pressured to do what others want, step back and work on forming your own decisions. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca and chat with her Wednesdays at noon at
thestar.com/elliechat.