Sibling battle could put daughter at risk
Q: My older sister has always bullied me. I moved out at 20 with my daughter, aged 2.
My mom visited us, but my sister rarely saw my daughter over the next four years.
When my child was hospitalized twice with seizures, my sister didn’t visit. For my 25th birthday, she refused to see me because I didn’t want cake (I’m battling a weight issue).
She then arbitrarily decided to arrange soccer lessons for my daughter. I told her she must first bring such plans to me.
She hasn’t spoken to me in months. My mother now allows her to visit my daughter weekly without my knowledge or consent.
My sister’s using this as grounds to challenge me in court for unsupervised visitation. If successful, she’ll likely have my daughter around our father who has a history of sexually abusing two of our sisters.
I’m pregnant with my second child, working (some nights, too, when my mother babysits), raising my daughter on my own. How do I handle this?
Totally Stressed
A: This sibling battle could put your child at great risk, so focus on the danger more than the power struggle that’s always existed between you two.
Immediately prepare a report of your father’s sexually abusive behaviour and get it to the court viewing your sister’s request. Insist that visitation should be supervised and must prohibit your father’s presence.
Meantime, look beyond your own relationship with Bully Sis. If you believe her interest in your child is only to compete with you, you need to help your daughter have other meaningful connections.
Contact Big Sisters in your area. The organi- zation offers adult female mentors, which can be helpful when you’re working. Soccer or any other team sport is a good idea, so long as you’re aware of where she is and with whom.
If your daughter loves her aunt, tell your sister you’d welcome her as an occasional visitor, but you are the parent, period.
Q: I’m lost. Again. The company where I had finally got a job went bankrupt and laid everyone off. Then, three weeks ago I had a miscarriage.
I live in a new city and have no friends. My boyfriend visits but lives in another city. I’m shy and hibernate in my apartment. I have a great therapist, but it’s so hard to pick myself up and keep going every day. Heartbroken
A: Keeping going beats all the alternatives, and is the way to work toward feeling positive again.
Start with seeing your doctor — a miscarriage is a loss physically as well as emotionally. You can deal with hormonal and mood swings through your therapy, but also need medical checks and perhaps medication.
Start a program to improve nutrition and fitness to buoy your energy. That will further help to lift your spirits.
Give yourself time to grieve: Three weeks is a short time to adjust to the miscarriage and changes in expectations and plans. Tell your boyfriend you need his support now more than ever, so think whether you two can have a break together or he can visit more often for a while. And/or consider visiting any close family who’d be nurturing at this time.
Your doctor or therapist may also be able to direct you to a support group in your area for women who have miscarried or experienced other losses.
When you have more energy to get going, use your unemployed time (if receiving benefits) to boost your skills and qualifications for the next round of job seeking.
TIP OF THE DAY
Be upfront in childcare cases about any serious abuse risks to your child, even from family.