Road to Mr. Right littered with frogs
Q: I’m on the quest to find Mr. Right, but so far all my efforts have been nothing but a waste of time. It seems that I always attract inconsiderate jerks. One guy thought that an appropriate time to “sext” me was on my way into the Emergency Room of a hospital. Another guy, trying to be charming on our first date, says to me, “Well, you are kind of fat, but I’d probably still have sex with you.” How am I constantly attracting every loser in Saskatoon? And how do I command the respect that I deserve?
Fed Up
A: Yes, there are a lot of frogs out there, but there are also a lot of very decent guys who are also looking for their “Ms. Right.” Unfortunately, too many men and women have an unrealistic ideal goal of finding someone who’s perfect in image and personality. Naturally, there’ll be many who don’t measure up, and even some major jerks such as you describe. But once you stop the intensive “quest” and become open to making new friends rather than snagging a mate, you’ll find out over time if someone’s “right” for you, is respectful and caring, even if he has some quirks and idiosyncrasies. Time to respect yourself.
Q: I borrowed money from a close relative to finance my husband’s tuition years ago. Now, that relative desperately needs the money back. We promised to pay her back within two years, but we couldn’t and now it’s been seven years. My husband seems ignorant and reluctant about this issue. Whenever I raise it, he gets angry and behaves crazy. He says he doesn’t have money to pay.
He has a good job. I believe he could save for this purpose. I don’t work or I would’ve paid long ago.
I don’t know how to convince him to pay back that money, so I can end my embarrassment. My relative calls every week, and also told other relatives who have stopped getting in touch with me.
Whenever we argue about this, we stop talking to each other, and sleep in different beds for months. My stress and social embarrassment do not affect him at all.
I wonder if he has any interest in our relationship any more. We have two young kids. I cannot imagine raising my kids in a broken family. Confused and Upset A: Since you don’t work, it’s obvious to your relative that you can’t personally pay her back. Apologize to her and say that you’d like her to call your husband directly, instead of you. Suggest she do whatever she needs to do, perhaps enlisting the other relatives’ help or that of a lawyer, to pursue the debt.
Your husband will not be pleased, but you’ll be able to say there’s nothing you can do to pay her back or to stop her from wanting to retrieve her loan.
He’s distanced from you for unknown reasons, since the loan was to help him with his education. If he persists in his coldness, you need to get some counselling and legal advice about your future.
You fear a “broken” family. But raising children in a loveless home, under conflict and tension while living together, is just as “broken.” And it can have worse emotional effects on everyone involved, just as it’s now affecting you.
TIP OF THE DAY
Seeking Mr. or Ms. Right can lead down a lot of wrong paths, until you understand what’s truly “right” for you. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at the star.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice.