Banish insecurity and focus on what’s real
Q: My husband of three years and I have returned to college/university. We married young, took on a mortgage and jobs early on, and are now ready for a new life together reaching toward fulfilling careers.
We’re commuting to different schools and I’m nervous about this change of scenery for him — that he’ll see a life he missed by marrying young.
I’m nervous he’ll find someone more interesting than me, or just have a change of heart about the life we’ve planned.
I’ve told him this, but even after discussing it, I still feel these insecurities, which aren’t attractive. He hasn’t said this; I just feel it creating a wall between us. How can I get confident in my marriage and myself? Worrying A: Get counselling, and fast, as it’s you who’s driving in the wedge.
Student services often offer affordable counselling. It’s worth what you may have to pay for enough sessions to explore such galloping insecurity.
Some anxiety is normal in the face of changes and challenges, both academically and in your routines. But you’ve funnelled it all into fear of his cheating, purely by imagining it. It’s crucial that you find ways to divert your thinking and focus on what’s real — i.e. the need to trust each other, and figure out together how to adapt to new pressures that have nothing to do with him straying. Otherwise, when he starts a new job, or you buy a new house, have kids, etc., your default reaction will always be insecurity, even jealousy, and ultimately it’ll push him away. Q: Several years ago, a good friend discovered her husband was cheating. They’d both been heavily involved in drugs and partying. On several occasions he’d slept with random women. She forgave him and they’ve since turned their lives around and no longer use drugs or alcohol. In counselling, he confessed all and they now appear to have a great marriage. Yet both their families and many friends were all made aware of what he did, and he still carries the guilt. However, I know that the wife cheated before he did. She told me this beforehand. He was my friend first, and while I don’t condone his actions, I know that he wasn’t the only one in the wrong here. It bothers me that he’s portrayed as the sole villain. He has no idea that she cheated. She said she didn’t reveal it because she didn’t think he’d forgive her. I try to forget it since they’re doing well, but it keeps coming to mind, especially when I hear someone mention his past. Do you think this is best left in the past? Knowing the Truth A: I so think this is not your business to reveal. If it ever comes out, it should not be from anyone who thinks they’re doing him a favour. You’d likely lose both as friends, and for what purpose? Even if you tell her that you think she should set the record straight, it’s a risk to your friendship and their current positive situation. She’ll either be terrified and cut you out of their circle or she’ll speak up and he’ll resent you as talebearer. It’s a shame that family and other friends also don’t mind their own business, and keep stressing his guilt. These are self-righteous gossips who like keeping someone else down.
Surmounting addictions and turning around a marriage both take huge courage and determination — likely far more than all those who are judging these two can imagine.
TIP OF THE DAY
Insecurity about your partner’s commitment can drive him or her away. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Ellie chats noon Wednesdays at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice on Twitter.