Consider the impact on kids in loveless home

Q: I’ve been married for nine years. We have two sons, 5 and 2. We’ve had a difficult relationship, with financial, physical and emotional abuse. He sleeps on the couch.

I care about him, but don’t love him like I used to. He’s medically unable to work due to a back injury.

He’s supposed to get income support but they’re refusing to pay him, despite notes from his doctor.

I’m the sole provider, and I don’t make a lot of money. I often feel resentful because he’s unable to help financially. He’s a smoker, and I refuse to buy cigarettes. I know it’s wrong, and feel guilty to want someone out of the house for having an illness. I don’t want to separate, as I fear the effect on my kids.

But not having him around would be so much easier financially and emotionally.

I don’t trust him. We never go out together or as a family. Mostly, I’m holding on to this relationship for the kids, and so he doesn’t end up homeless. I’m torn about what to do.

Confused

A: Don’t muddle the issues. Focus on one at a time. Regarding income: Recognize that as sole provider, you’ll still be required to support him financially even if you legally separate.

I strongly urge you to fight for his disability income, find out why it has been delayed or refused and seek an advocate through a disabilities and/or workers’ organization.

Regarding emotions: You neither love him as before nor trust him. You fear the impact of separation on your kids, but you must also consider the impact of growing up in a loveless home.

“Never going out as a family” is something you can change. Clear the fog and think through what you really want and can handle for you and the kids. Wherever you have support — family, friends — draw on it to help lift your spirits and energy to make good decisions for the future. Q: My daughter, a stay-at-home mom, is married, with two young children, and lives on a street with lots of same-age kids who play together.

There’s a mother on the street with three little boys who’s considered the “queen bee” of the street. She thrives on people rallying around her. Many put her on a pedestal, though not my daughter.

This woman organizes weekly get-togethers on the driveway and texts most of the other neighbours to join in, except for my daughter.

If it weren’t for the kids, it wouldn’t bother her. How can she handle this situation so that her children are included?

I’ve suggested she text her and ask why she’s mean to her kids. But my daughter doesn’t want to give her that importance. Why are women so mean to each other and why do they take out whatever issues they have with adults on the children? Need Direction A: Sorry, Mom, but setting up further conflict by calling this woman “mean” to her face is not a good suggestion.

Far better for her to disarm the woman and approach her pleasantly, saying how great it is that the kids get along and like each other. She should also invite the woman’s children over to her place, though not at a conflicting time.

This other woman may even feel as put off and disliked as your daughter does, since nothing’s been said overtly.

Learning early to rise above such pettiness in this and other situations is something your daughter will benefit from for years.

TIP OF THE DAY

Complex relationships and circumstances require a clear thinking through of the issues that matter most. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays at thestar.com/ elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice.