Tebow Time nigh for Jets
Barack Obama warned them. They didn’t listen, but he warned them.
“I don’t like the idea of a quarterback controversy at the start of a season. So if I was a Jets fan, I’d be pretty nervous,” the planet’s No. 1 citizen said in early August.
In that interview, Obama went on about it for a while. Unlike everyone working for the New York Jets, he’s really thought this through.
Americans and their priorities. We’re all going to end up burning on that fire. Let’s just hope that looming nuclear war in Korea doesn’t kick off Monday night.
If it does, let’s hope Tim Tebow is under centre, ready to lead us all in a live, televised prayer circle as the radioactive cloud drifts this way.
It has to be Tebow, right? What reasonable excuse is there not to start him at this point?
“I just know in my heart right now, this is not the time,” said Jets coach Rex Ryan.
That’s indisputable because it isn’t an argument. Where’s his brain in all this? Let your brain get a word in edgewise.
That great untouchable, Mark Sanchez, has the worst passer rating among non-rookie quarterbacks. However under-skilled Tebow is as a pivot, he can’t do any worse than that.
There are other mitigating factors. Receiver Santonio Holmes is now out for the year with a foot injury. In the Texans, the Jets are facing the league’s best defence.
If there’s a time to throw a big wrinkle at an opponent, this would seem to be it — in a game you didn’t count on winning anyway. Here’s guessing that Tebow — who’s thrown only one pass this year — will be a regular by the fourth quarter. The Jets will be losing by 30 points by then, but all men of true faith appreciate a pyrrhic victory. To the picks. Last week, we went against our best instincts in every instance, in an effort to change our wretched luck. Depressingly, it worked.
LAST WEEK’S RECORD: 9-6 That’s heartening.
YEAR TO DATE: 24-38 That’s not. The brain’s getting another timeout this week. All picks are the opposite of what the brain thinks.
In fact, we’re holding our breath for as long as we can. How do you like that, brain? How does that feel, you traitorous little weasel? We only need you for driving and Sudoku. Other than that, we’re quits.
ARIZONA @ ST. LOUIS (Thurs., 8:20 p.m.) Last week, Miami became the first team to score more than 20 points
against the Cardinals going back a dozen games. The Dolphins scored 21. St. Louis (+1.5)
MIAMI @ CINCINNATI (Sun., 1 p.m.) What’s killing Miami? “The turnover margin, for every statistical guru, is the No. 1 measurement in winning or losing games,” said coach Joe Philbin. It’s difficult to build a successful football culture when your coach doesn’t realize that the score is the most important measurement of winning and losing. Miami (+3.5)
GREEN BAY @ INDIANAPOLIS (1 p.m.) The emotional pick ’em game, after the Colts learned that coach Joe Pagano has leukemia. Always bet on sad, angry, large men. Green Bay (-7)
BALTIMORE @ KANSAS CITY (1 p.m.) This is how you do a quarterback controversy. By publicly threatening the starting quarterback. The real problem for K.C. is that “No, no, after you” defence. Kansas City (+6)
ATLANTA @ WASHINGTON ( 1 p.m.) Does possible everyone exception agree of that, Houston, with the Atlanta right now? is the Good. best And team that in the it will NFL be delicious to watch them blow it in the playoffs again? Better. Washington (+3)
CLEVELAND @ N.Y. GIANTS (1 p.m.) The Browns can’t win, but they have covered three out of four weeks. They are especially resilient on field turf. Would it surprise you to learn they play on grass at home? Giants (-9)
PHILADELPHIA @ PITTSBURGH (1 p.m.) Pittsburgh, in Pittsburgh, coming off a bye they spent saying to each other, “Just stand still and Michael Vick will throw it straight to you.” Philadelphia (+3.5)
SEATTLE @ CAROLINA (4:05 p.m.) Cam Newton looked appropriately sad after last week’s loss. It’s going to be hard topping that level of situation-specific sadness, but this kid has a remarkable emotional IQ. Unfortunately, the quarterbacking isn’t going quite so well just now. Carolina (-3)
CHICAGO @ JACKSONVILLE (4:05 p.m.) There must be at least one NFL team that you don’t care to learn anything about. At this age, every new piece of information pushes out an old one. I’d rather remember the names of my entire Grade 2 class than know anything about the Jaguars. Jacksonville (+6)
TENNESSEE @ MINNESOTA (4:25 p.m.) The Minnesota Vikings. Making it possible to live in Minnesota now that Joe Mauer, the Wild and summer are gone. Tennessee (+5.5)
DENVER @ NEW ENGLAND (4:25 p.m.) To win this one, history suggests the Broncos will have to put up a minimum of 45 points (the Pats put 41and 45 by them last year). Denver hasn’t scored more than 40 for two years. Broncos (+6.5)
BUFFALO @ SAN FRANCISCO (4:25 p.m.) This is simple. As long as we’re leaving our brain out of this, we always check the box next to the Bills. Like certain Tibetan monks and the crowd in the parking lot outside Ralph Wilson at 7 a.m., we aspire to perfect mindlessness. Buffalo (+9.5)
SAN DIEGO @ NEW ORLEANS (8:20 p.m.) Suspended Saints coach Sean Payton is going to be the first person in contract negotiation history to sum up his achievements of the last year with, “I was nowhere near this team.” New Orleans (-3.5)
HOUSTON @ N.Y. JETS (Mon., 8:30 p.m.) Jets owner Woody Johnson says he’d rather see Mitt Romney win than his team. You know what that means. Jets (+8)