Don’t snoop on Dad
Q: I’m 25, an only child, very close to my parents. I no longer live at home but we see each other often. Recently, I logged on to my father’s email without knowing why. Unfortunately, I found several emails he’d sent contacting male masseurs for an “erotic massage.” My parents have been married for 30 years and I guess they’ve become each other’s really good friends now. They don’t fight, but they sleep in different bedrooms and aren’t very affectionate. I love them both and don’t know what to do. This situation is overwhelming. I can’t stop looking at my dad’s email and trying to track where he is and what he’s doing. I believe that last week I found a text that suggested he actually went through with this massage. I don’t think I want to say anything to him because a) I was snooping b) my mom may know 3) he may not do it again. Struggling in New York A: Do nothing, other than sort this out in your mind. It’s your parents’ business and none of yours. Since they sleep apart, they long ago came to an accommodation regarding their personal needs. Meanwhile, they both love you as much as ever and as much as you love them. They have stayed together in friendship to raise you together. You had a normal happy childhood and great relationship with both, because of the decisions they made. And those decisions should be respected. Maybe you sensed something and it drew you to his email account. Do not snoop again. I repeat: It’s none of your business.
MANY OF YOU RESPONDED
to the woman who had an aging parent who was neglecting her hygiene (Aug. 31). Here are two readers’ experiences for those in similar situations: Reader 1: I got great help from the local government agency committed to helping seniors remain in their homes as long as possible. They told me about home-help agencies that send personal support workers (PSWs) to do light housekeeping, meal prep- aration, bathing and any hygiene assistance needed. They also told me about the local Adult Day Program, which my mother now attends three days weekly. Hairdressers in the community do house calls and charge a nominal fee. A footcare lady visits every six weeks. I co-ordinate this and it’s well worth my effort. Mom doesn’t want to leave her home. Her case manager has deemed her eligible for several hours of care weekly, which reduces the cost of her overall care. Reader 2: Several years ago, my sister and I tried to get our aging father to accept the services of a nurse’s aid in helping him shower. It had become difficult for him to step over the tub and stand. His “spot washing” had become increasingly “spotty.” Our mother was too feeble to help and he was too shy to accept his daughters’ help.
Finally we booked the aid worker. She arrived with such a “let’s get this done” attitude that he got swept up in the action. Afterward, all spic and span, he said how good he felt, how refreshed, and how it wasn’t as bad as he thought. He never resisted future showers and the help of a female nurse’s aid after that. We had to forget for a moment that he was our dad, and our authority figure in our youth, and just get it done.
TIP OF THE DAY
Parents’ private relationship is theirs to manage, not yours. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice.