OFF THE RACK

Where Jessica’s baby isn’t wearing makeup

US

Cover: Jessica Simpson didn’t realize that when one baby has been Caesared out, another one is able to take up residence. So she’s gotten herself knocked-up again, a mere seven months after daughter Maxwell entered the world. But much more importantly: what will this mean to her $4-million Weight Watchers contract? She just lost 70 lbs of baby chunk as per her agreement. Is this perhaps a carefully planned ploy to make another $4 million? Or is it a case of “I once heard you can’t get pregnant on Tuesdays?” If ploy, well done, Jessica. Yes, there’s some fiancé type involved in this enterprise as well, but we can’t remember what he looks like, much less his name.

This week in that’s really funny:

According to a “source,” the only thing Halle Berry wants in the whole world is “a normal family life.”

IN TOUCH

Cover: Someone actually sat down and counted the number of days Tommy had been away from Suri. It’s a testament to our superficial, celebrity-obsessed, shallow . . . wow! Has it really been 108 days? That’s a lot. And, according to “insiders,” that’s because Tommy’s church of science fiction has forbidden him to see his daughter. BUT now he’s starting to break free of the shackles of religion. BUT if that happens, Katie is going to be upset because that would mean he’d be more involved in Suri’s life. Says Halle Berry: “Call me, Katie. I’ll give you great advice on how to keep an ex away. Step one: date a former boxer. Preferable French and angry.” This week in other disasters waiting to happen: Katy Perry thinks John Mayer is “husband material,” they’re very “serious” and John has already met her parents.

STAR

Cover: Some women look different when they haven’t been worked on by a makeup artist, and yet they dare to go outside and ruin everyone’s day. This week in Jenny from the Rude Block: J.Lo got upset when a flight attendant dared to speak directly to her because, “she doesn’t speak to salespeople, restaurant or hotel staff or flight attendants.” I don’t blame her. Do you know how difficult it is to ascertain whether someone’s been deloused just by looking at them? This week in female feuds: Poor, sad Jen’s fiancé is bestest friends with Ben Stiller and wants Jen to become bestest friends with Ben’s wife Christine. But Jen is all “Hell, no” because Christine is “quite proper” and Jen is all “Let’s do tequila shots and yell obscenities at poor people.”