He just can’t forgive his cheating girlfriend
Q: My girlfriend of two years cheated on me and I can’t get over it. I don’t seem able to accept that she had it in her to cheat, even though she’s apologized and repeatedly said she’d never do it again.
I understand that other people work through things and overcome an act of infidelity. But I don’t believe I can, though she’s begged me to. There was much love there, and I’m wondering if there’s something wrong with me (as she’s suggested), because I’m capable of walking away rather than get counselling and work on things.
My Flaw? A: There’s nothing “wrong” with you. Any “flaw” that exists is in her or the relationship. Her turning it around to make you doubt yourself is the response of a guilty person who wants to shift blame and slap a label on the other person.
However, you mention the love between you two as part of questioning your response. It signals that her cheating provides an opportunity for you — either to move on or rethink the relationship.
Instead of “working through this” based on her desire to stay togeth- er, you might explore why you feel walking away from love is the better solution. You may already know things from your past — a previous betrayal by someone close or perhaps your parents’ divorce — that make you uncomfortable with imperfection in a loved one. Or, by talking to a counsellor on your own, you might gain insight as to why her cheating ends all chance of moving forward together. Q: My fiancé grew a big moustache that he thinks is manly. I hate it, it’s coarse and rough when we kiss, and food often gets stuck in it. How do I get him to shave it off?
Not Tickled A: Tell him how manly he is in other ways. Say how proud you are of being a team, but your half truly dislikes the stache, especially when you kiss. Then drop the topic. Q: One of my closest girlfriends is a businesswoman who had some dealings with my son and they didn’t work out to his advantage. He’s new to his work and made a small error that ticked her off, though it didn’t cost her money, just some time. She could’ve given him a second chance but didn’t. I feel badly about this. Should I say something?
Mum So Far A: Stay mum, Mom. Your friendship with this woman isn’t at issue. This is about your son’s business relationship with a potential client (albeit family friend). He made the error, must apologize and do so professionally, not as a friend’s son. If it’s possible that he can offer her some compensation for her time, he should do so, but not push it if she shows no interest.
He should also thank her for the opportunity to pitch to her, saying he’s learned a lot from his mistake. He should not ask for a second chance at this time, as it would put her on the spot. But, in six months or so, when he’s more confident of his own skills and of the value of the deal or service, he could make a gentle outreach to her again.
TIP OF THE DAY Another’s infidelity sometimes prompts examination of one’s own values and responses.
Email ellie@thestar.ca. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays at thestar.com/ elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice.