Stress and fatigue replacing passion in this couple’s relationship
Q: When I met my girlfriend three years ago she was happy, extroverted and sexually liberated. We had a very passionate relationship. I brought her to my city for my career. She’s started a new career here as well as attending school.
Our passion has gone, though I’ve talked to her about it repeatedly.
She says she’s been dealing with depression throughout her life, but refuses to get help.
My company offers great benefits. I set up a call for her, and the counsellor said she was fine but that she should work out more often to manage stress.
She hasn’t done that but she’s busy with full-time work and school four nights a week.
I’m losing my mind over sexual inactivity. She’s said I must be more supportive regarding house chores but I’m always travelling for work. I’ve improved with chores, but still no sex.
I’m ready to end it but feel bad because I’m a huge financial support for her. I love her but won’t prolong this if there’s no hope for rekindling the fire.
If there’s no change in six months, it’s over.
Connection Gone
A: You’ve got the deadline, but no solutions. A one-shot counselling call is no benefit for depression. She’s moved, become financially dependent and is overworked by time and stress.
She needs a break — with chores and with career pressure.
No wonder she’s lost the fire! Fatigue, daily stress and dependency all affect emotions. She may still love you, but sex has become another stress. She can also feel you’ve checked out. A lot of this relationship is all about you.
Either take a break now and stop delaying the divide or get to counselling together.
Q: My mother hasn’t spoken to me for two months because I didn’t buy her a Christmas gift. I did buy her a nice card, enclosed a special message and explained why there was no gift.
We couldn’t afford more this year. My partner was laid off two weeks before Christmas. He pays huge child support. My contract job’s ending soon and my ex-husband pays little support. We do what we can with what we have. We made sure that our combined four kids were taken care of with a very strict limit. We didn’t exchange gifts ourselves, or have gifts from the kids to each other. There were no gifts for our brothers and just small goody bags for our nieces. My mother had my dad email me Christmas Day that I’d destroyed her; I wasn’t welcome for Boxing Day dinner or New Year’s dinner. The email also stated that I should have given her something, anything.
My mother’s an alcoholic (in denial) and for years everyone has kowtowed to her, always apologizing to her for some perceived slight, even something as small as being in a quiet mood at a family gathering. I’m ready to write her off, but she’s not in great health and I do love her. Do I try to make amends? Did I even do anything wrong? The rest of my family won’t speak to me now either, likely they’re afraid not to be on her side.
Conflicted and Hurt
A: No, you didn’t do anything wrong. Yes, you can try to make amends with a very inexpensive gift and an apology. Go personally. Then tell all your family that you’ve done so. It’s too late to change the dynamics here. And you’re not willing to cut her off. When things settle in your lives, consider going to Al-Anon for people affected by a loved one’s alcoholism. You’d benefit from a support group, especially as your mother’s health diminishes.
TIP OF THE DAY
When major moves and huge stress cool passion, lighten the load.