Stop being a bystander and infiltrate boyfriend’s life
Q: We’re late-20s, dating seriously for seven months, and get along great. It’s his first relationship.
He’s kind-hearted, caring, responsible, and mature. However, he’s so devoted to family and friends that he always puts them first, and often cancels dates.
I’ve discussed this with him repeatedly. He says he’ll try, but then a friend needs help, his mom’s sick, dad’s business is in trouble, etc.
He says he’s committed to me, yet sees me about twice a month. We hardly talk on the phone. Frustrating Second Place A: He has a long history of being available to the others, before he met you. You need to board the Help Train, or you’ll stay waiting at the station for him.
Show interest in his family and friends . . . not in a pressuring way, but because they matter so much to him, and he matters to you.
Once you’ve met or heard more about them, ask how they’re doing, suggest visiting them together, send a note to his mom when she’s sick, etc.
Becoming a couple isn’t only about time away from all others. Show him you want to be a true partner, and you’ll become more important to him . . . alone, too. Q: I’ve been a step-parent for more than seven years, but didn’t know when I married my husband the necessary relationship with his ex, and how much it affects my relationship with the boys (ages 15 and 17). Their mom struggles with ADHD, which translates into hoarding tendencies resulting in an ongoing mess, which upsets the boys. She has some difficulty with feeding, clothing them, and making appointments for them, managing money, and teaching them how to manage money and time. The court compromise on parenting issues is that she’s considered primary caregiver and is paid extra support as such, even though the boys live with us half the time. But I struggle with her manipulations. Example: she’s responsible for buying the boys’ clothes, but one boy’s winter shoes were tortuously small. She told his father she didn’t have the money to buy new ones. I ended up buying him new boots. I believe she’s capable of more than her actions indicate — emotionally and financially. We both try hard to let go of our anxiety and upset about her, and how it affects the boys. I try to have little contact with her. She’s been very harsh, e.g. a phone conversation where she was screaming at me that I was the stepmother and she was the mother (I’d called to say I was helping look for one son who’d run away when younger). Also, some people we encounter tell my husband that he and his ex have done a wonderful job raising these boys. I didn’t know how thankless a job step-parenthood could be. I’m proud of the boys, and love them. Struggling Stepmom A: The “wonderful job” is your thanks, since you and your husband know your influence with those boys . . . and so do they. You chose this job, and like any other, it has stresses. But don’t expect applause from their mother. As someone once said to me, “It’s not in her best interest to think you’re terrific,” nor to not push you to pay for some extras.
That understanding made my being a stepmother much easier.
This woman does have real ADHD problems — it’s not all exaggerated.
Continue keeping your home organized, their clothes fitting, teaching time and money management, without resentment. Lucky for the boys to have the balance in their lives!
TIP OF THE DAY
Getting to know another’s family and friends helps you become a couple. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca. See ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.