Serious commitment can wait
Q: I’ve been involved in a longdistance romance for four months with a man I could easily fall in love with. We’ve spent only 48 hours together in person due to my work/vacation schedule and illness in his family. But we Skype an hour daily. We’ve planned a two-week get-together soon.
A while back, he mistakenly sent me an email meant for another woman.
Nothing sexual or suggestive — he wrote he might be in her vicinity the next day, would she have time for a cup of tea.
I was flabbergasted and hurt. Initially, he said they’d very briefly dated while she’d been separated, that there had never been anything sexual between them and she was now reconciled with her husband. He wondered why I was so upset.
I almost cancelled our plans to get together. Unhappy at possibly losing me, he consulted his sister who said he was in the wrong.
Via Skype, he gave me a heartfelt, remorseful apology.
He’s in his 60s and wonderful to me in many ways. Being Cautious A: Caution is essential when you’ve spent only 48 hours together.
But this makes me wonder how you can convince yourself that you’re falling in love. You’re building emotions mostly out of your anticipation and imagination.
A wait-and-see as to what you two are like together is the wiser approach.
You need to see where and how he lives, and what his company is like over many days together.
The incident was a shock because it revealed he had friendly feelings toward a former date. He has a much longer past than that which you’ll have to accept, and vice versa on his part. Q: My son, 19, is one credit shy of his high school diploma. But he’s messed around for two years, in and out of jobs. He mostly stays home, plays video games and sleeps much of the day. He has no plans or goals. Although we don’t give him spending money, he lives at home free. When we try to discuss anything it turns into a huge argument. He’s very charming, outgoing and friendly but seems lacking any motivation. Many of his friends are finishing their second year at university. We’ve considered kicking him out, but feel that without a job, that’s too harsh. Frustrated and Desperate Parents A: You’re not alone. Many parents have had the experience of a nearadult child in a similar state of confusion, lassitude and neardepression about the future. Kicking him out is harsh and also can go two ways — and the second one is out on the streets. You can still play an important parental role beyond just housing him. You can help him find ways to move toward independence and responsibility. Start with an experienced career counsellor who will help him probe his own potential and gain confidence. He needs objective help to assess his interests and talents, and also address his fears of failure. Once encouraged, insist that he start something, anything, as a first step — a course, workshop, apprenticeship or finishing school. Whatever it takes in order for him to “earn” his free room and board. This requires going out in daytime hours (his sleeping is a sign of depression) and limited video gaming. He may be addicted, and if so, he may need a therapist who helps him with behaviour modification techniques. Remember, if he had an illness, you’d do everything in your power to get him treatment. This is a similar campaign as a family. So let him know you’re on his side. Give him a time limit — e.g. six months — for trying a fresh approach toward a life in which he feels he has value.
TIP OF THE DAY
In long-distance romances, don’t let fantasy override caution until you have had repeated meetings. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays at thestar.com/ elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice.