Tell boyfriend his gambling problem is a deal breaker
Q: My boyfriend and I just moved in together. Previously, he said he used to gamble online a lot, but stopped. I’ve made it clear that I think gambling is dangerous and unhealthy. I’ve asked him if he ever gambles any more and he said no.
Recently, I saw some gambling icons on his computer and asked why they were there.
He said, “Probably from when I used to gamble.”
But I later found in his computer history — usually deleted — that he’d been on gambling websites.
This really bothers me. I’m worried he’ll become addicted, but mostly upset that he lied. I already have had trouble trusting him. Serious Issue A: Confront, and make it a deal-breaker. Or you’re setting yourself up to be agitated, suspicious and a continuing snoop.
Say upfront that his lie reveals that he’s “attached” to gambling enough to sneak around. Say you’ll support any real effort to deal with this (through Gamblers’ Anonymous, or therapy.) Otherwise, you won’t accept having to monitor his gambling. And you won’t live with it. There’s no point staying together if he won’t give this up for the relationship.
(Note: This hard line means there are habits of yours, which you may have to reconsider if they negatively affect your union.) Q: My sister has been married for 17 years, with kids aged 8 and 12. She’s drifting away from her family. Her husband recently suffered a nervous breakdown, but she didn’t tell me the reason for his hospitalization until a month later.
He’s constantly in conflict with someone — his parents, brothers, now it’s my parents for reasons I don’t know. I’ve offered help and said that I’m there for her. I love her kids, but she makes it difficult for me to see them, always with excuses. They don’t spend any special holidays with our side of the family.
My niece is having her communion soon, but I’ve heard no plans. I fear that no gettogether is planned. I want to go to the church, invited or not, on her special day and give her a gift. We live 30 minutes from each other and I understand they have their own lives, but family is family, and I think the kids are paying the price.
My niece will sometimes call me and say things like, “I haven’t seen you in ages.” All I can say is, “I know and I really miss you.” How can I make this work without interfering? Worried Aunt A: Be honest. You’re considering “interfering.” A family is for support, and that’s what’s needed, not attitude. Your sister obviously has a tough time with an argumentative, mentally fragile husband.
Your Aunt role is to stay in touch with her kids — by email, bringing a gift for special occasions, inviting them to your place. Tell your sister you want to come to the church, without blaming her for not planning anything. She may have good reasons with a husband who might argue and ruin the event.
Just say you want to congratulate your niece and give her a gift.
Ask your sister out to lunch sometime ( just you two), call her, keep up contact however you can. She’s likely going to need you some day, fast.
However, if you suspect there’s abuse happening to her or the children, ask her and encourage that she privately seek counselling.
She’d need to boost her confidence if she some day plans leaving, for her and the kids’ safety.
TIP OF THE DAY
If a relationship issue feels like a deal-breaker, say so. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice.