POP GOES THE WEEK

As part of their divorce settlement Joe and Tina Simpson split Jessica Simpson’s life

insurance policy Kris Jenner sends a “Kongratulations on being kool trailblazers” kard.

This week in trilogies 1) J.J. Abrams says he could possibly return for Star Trek 3. 2) Ron Perlman says Guillermo del Toro owes the world a third Hellboy. 3) The plans for Bridget Jones 3 are on hold. 4) Iron Man 3 ends with . . . [ oh, so you’re back from vacation to spoil the one thing that promised to give my life some meaning. That’s nice. - ed.]

Billy Ray Cyrus says even he doesn’t know when Miley and Liam Hemsworth will get married That’s not surprising. He also doesn’t realize that we all know he’s wearing a wig.

The Kardashians vacation in Greece That explains the recent mass demonstrations in Athens.

As the sole public comment on his acclaimed new album, The Next Day, David Bowie releases a list of 42 words including “pressgang,” “miasma,” “Mauer” and “chthonic” Not to be outdone, Justin Bieber releases his own list of words, including “fart,” “boob tattoo,” “die haterz” and “penis.”

Morgan Spurlock, who’s working on a film about One Direction, says the documentary will include a doctor talking about what goes on inside a young girl’s brain and body when she hears the boy band play The doctor says, "The neural and physical symptoms are configured in such a way as to create a psychological as well as corporal matrix of stimuli and after 23 years of intensive studies of the phenomenon of boy bands and their influence on teen girls, the conclusion is Blarg! OMG! Swoonerific!"

Amidst rumours of marriage trouble, Clint Eastwood takes off his wedding ring He also goes shopping for a new sports car, gets a tattoo and lowers the waist of his pants to a jaunty four inches below his arm pits.

Lindsay Lohan may be launching a website about "art, fashion, music and movies" It will be a lot like Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog, except mostly about falling down in creepy nightclubs.

Alleged comedy Two And A Half Men will return next season without Angus T. Jones Thus necessitating a change of

name to Two Men And A Blurry Photo On A Coffee Table.

Celebrity Math Question: If Rihanna buys Chris Brown a $1 million Mercedes and Taylor Swift buy a mansion for $17 million in cash, why is Rod Stewart’s 33-year-old daughter Kimberly dating One Direction’s Harry Styles, who is 19? Answer: Jessica Alba says she wore a “double corset” for three months after her last pregnancy in order to reshape her body.

Michael Fassbender may star as Macbeth in a new movie Let not light see my black and deep desires to watch Michael Fassbender do absolutely anything.

marpe@thestar.ca