Crying could mean spouse just trying to reach out
I’m afraid my wife wants her way, no matter what. We were together a long time beforehand, now married for six years. When we used to argue frequently, about money or some other issues of mine, she’d cry rather easily. This would be a turning point. I’d apologize and let the matter rest, or allow the argument to go her way. Recently, I said her tears didn’t affect me as before, because they came so often. Now, when we argue, she’s stopped her crying. She still gets her way. Were the tears just a manipulative tool? Am I being paranoid? At the Edge of Tears It’s not easy to read between the lines of only one side of a couple’s story, but some clues are there. 1) You’ve been together a long time, and you both still react rather than resolve. You let the arguments control decisions, rather than try to compromise on your attitudes. This is especially so on repeated fights over money. 2) You refer to “some other issues of mine.” It suggests you’re having other unmovable views, such that crying may have become her only way to be “heard.” You’re still together. That’s a good sign. However, thinking that she’s manipulative and you’re the victim, just perpetuates the pattern of staying divided. You two need couples’ counselling to learn, together, how to solve problems through fair means, with both sides being heard and respected. If you can’t eventually work that way, you’ll likely both feel you have good reasons to separate, when in fact you could’ve become teammates long ago. My very loving, kind and brilliant husband and I have a 6-monthold daughter. We live on the West Coast but he’s been offered a job at Oxford University in England. My parents and siblings live here. We’re all very close. They’ve been an amazing support to us, and it breaks my heart to leave them. And it’ll break my mother’s heart if we leave, likely causing depression. I’m currently on maternity leave with a great job offer here. I’m developing a career for myself.
I feel deep down that I should go with my sense of adventure and move to England.
I’d be giving up my career and leaving my beloved family behind — more difficult with a new baby, to whom my mother’s become overwhelmingly attached.
We’re so happy here. I love my life, my home, and my family, everything happened in this one year. I suppose we could always move back if we hate it. I need an unbiased opinion for clarity. Difficult Choices
Some opportunities have to be seized, and a dream job you must’ve known your husband applied for is one of those great opportunities.
When you’ve settled there, you may be able to develop your career further in England, and/or add to your resumé with international experience or further courses, whatever’s possible. Your mother will likely visit. You’ll communicate regularly with Skype. Many of her friends will be experiencing the same lifestyle as grandparents with adult children living in great places to visit. Do not anticipate her becoming depressed. She’ll miss you, but you’re entitled to live your life where opportunities lead you and your family. Not accompanying your husband would be a huge mistake. A baby needs to bond with both parents, and he needs you both, emotionally, just as you need him, more than your parents and siblings.
If for any reason the move does not work out, you’re young, and free to move back, or anywhere else. Tip of the day If you view your spouse as an opponent in power struggles, the divide only increases. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at the star.com/ elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice.