Toronto FC routs D.C. United scrubs
This is what a statutory holiday in Sports Hell looks like.
D.C. United is the worst team in Major League Soccer. Saturday at BMO Field, they managed to get worse than that.
On Tuesday, United play the only meaningful game of their season — the final of the U.S. Open Cup (whatever that is).
With that goal in mind, the visitors decided it was not in their best interest to field a professional soccer team. Instead, they trolled the bus station for ambulatory humans and signed them to two-hour contracts.
“I set these guys up to fail today,” United coach Ben Olsen said afterward of a squad made up almost entirely of reservists and academy pylons.
Facing the B team of the league’s F side, Toronto FC still managed to make a nervy start of it.
They conceded first. Then, because some of them do this for a living while all of D.C.’s mopes do it for practice, they managed to reel it back in. It ended 4-1 — only the third time in their history TFC has put four by anyone.
It was a franchise highlight, in the same way that an anthill is the highest peak in Saskatchewan.
Though seven years of this torture has paved us with a cynical streak so wide you could land B-52s on it, you felt some small twinge of happiness for the fans on hand.
They were frothing with joy over this limited-time display of respectability. A Toronto FC romp is the celebratory equivalent of summer solstice in Antarctica.
A Toronto FC romp is the celebratory equivalent of summer solstice in Antarctica
By the time the third tally came — a comical own-goal — they were all up on their feet, bouncing. The press box began vibrating, prompting flashbacks to 2007.
That inaugural side wasn’t any better than this one, but the crowd hadn’t yet been beaten into slack-jawed submission. Back then, it was fun to be here. It hasn’t been fun in a long time.
With the season long gone, Saturday’s jarring encounter leaves the team with a choice of takeaway impressions.
The first would be that this group isn’t so bad after all. That would be totally, totally (say “totally” to yourself 50 more times) wrong.
“I think it’s coming together,” emergency field boss Jim Brennan, subbing in for suspended coaches Ryan Nelsen and Fran O’Leary, said afterward. “We keep on saying there’s a bright light at the end of the tunnel.”
Yes, that’s it. “A bright light.” Maybe you can hear your Grampy Joe calling you?
Most of the current roster crop should walk directly into that light. You’re all going to a better professional place. Actually, we have no idea if it’s any better. But we still encourage you to go there.
This team is nowhere close to coming together. It’s coming together like the expanding universe. The current iteration — spotted throughout with players who will never get any better (or cheaper) — is moving apart. It should be encouraged to continue to do so.
The second impression — the takehome — is that this is still a pretty amazing place to be on those days when Toronto FC forgets to be awful.
That’s the only memory of the 2013 season that should linger in the fallow months that lie ahead.
The subsistence farmers who run this sports dust bowl must not waste time watering.
They should be turning the soil. Then salting it. Then lighting it on fire. Then calling in an exorcist to hose it with holy water. Then turning it again. Maybe after that they can start thinking about seeding.
No one wants to hear it, and no one who is left is stupid enough to say it yet, but guess what’s coming? Rebuild 8.0.
While that idea starts sinking in, MLSE is over in the corner trying to distract you with the light reflecting off a shiny object.
On Saturday morning, MLSE boss Tim Leiweke once again floated the idea of building a roof over BMO. It’s going to cost $100 million. They paid $65 million to build the place. Apparently, some poor sap in MLSE’s planning and procurement department has been having a very bad week.
“(MLSE chairman) Larry Tanenbaum is actually involved now day-to-day on the design of the roof,” Leiweke said.
One has disturbing visions of Tanenbaum sitting cross-legged in his office, surrounded by thousands of pieces of Lego, wearing an expression of deep concentration.
We’ll say this much for them. They’re concentrating on improving the one thing this club has ever done well — atmo.
Then there’s everything else. There is no roof large enough to shade all the glaring faults of this team.
Hopefully, someone’s thinking about that on a day-to-day basis as well.
“I think it’s coming together. . . . There’s a bright light at the end of the tunnel.” JIM BRENNAN SUBBING FOR SUSPENDED TFC COACH RYAN NELSEN