Girlfriend jealous of her man’s platonic friend

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for seven months; we’ve been best friends for four years. I’m happy with him. However, he’s really close to a female family friend who’s much older than him. She says he’s like a son to her, but it feels like they’re more best friends than we are. I get jealous when they spend time together, but can’t put my finger on why. They tell each other everything; the door is pretty open between them. It bothers me because lately I feel like I can’t tell him certain things without them getting to her. I’m pretty open with my boyfriend and should never feel like I can’t talk to him because of how honest we are with each other. When they hang out, I feel he has more fun with her and her husband, even though there’s a huge age difference. It makes me uncomfortable about some of the things they discuss, but he says I’m being silly, that I’m jealous, and it’s ridiculous. How do I conquer this situation — because she isn’t going anywhere and I don’t plan to either? Help! Jealous in Augusta

Yes, you’re jealous. It’s not ridiculous but it is self-defeating. Try something different and ask to join them! If your boyfriend visits with the couple, he and she aren’t having anything more than a close connection. You must’ve known about her during your “friends-only” period. It’s the new, intimate status as girlfriend that’s made you insecure and jealous . . . but you need to get over that, as it’s a green-eyed monster that damages relationships.

Get on their level by joining in. But do insist that some things you tell each other are private, and both of you must be clear which matters are in that category. My sister, mid-30s, is nine years my senior. We’ve had a rough relationship. A year ago I asked her to be a bridesmaid (the right thing to do, not because I wanted her to be one).

She got upset because our stepsister, who’s my best friend, was maid of honour. After my sister raised a large stink over this, I asked her to just attend as a guest as I was tired of her drama. Two months before the wedding, she said she wouldn’t attend, “didn’t want to.” Holding grudges is her specialty. I said I’d be very hurt and would no longer want her in our life. She didn’t attend.

Now, months after the wedding, my mom’s pressuring us both to “work things out.” My husband agrees; he’s a strong believer in family. But I don’t want to. She’s always been selfish and sulks for months when she doesn’t get her way. I don’t want that in my children’s lives or mine.

This is the first time I’ve turned the tables. She’s done this to me many times over. Am I Wrong?

Probably. With both your mom and your husband thinking so, there’s a longer story here with details like divorce, stepfamily, older sister replaced by newcomer, etc.

Those details are not your fault but I hear very little understanding or anyone’s attempt (mom? stepfather?) to smooth this long ago.

Your bridesmaid invitation didn’t come across as very gracious. She knew it. Now you’re treating her as toxic and being vengeful, when it seems you both dig in your heels.

I’m not seeing a better example for your children, here, than trying to get along with her might give them. Tip of the day Lovers have to have their secrets and must also be included sometimes with each other’s close friends. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar.com/ elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice on Twitter